Wrote this on May 25, 2021 —
My best friend since 1986 and I had the chance to talk tonight about a lot of things. She is one of few people who knew about me witnessing someone getting shot when I was 7 (she met me afterwards but remembers me telling her about it when we became friends in 4th grade), she remembers when I went in to recess early one day when I was 9 and me telling her what had happened, she remembers when someone tried to take me off the play ground that same year, and she knows everything about “Mikey” and the pain and fears I’ve had to overcome— she has stopped me from killing myself many times during my elementary, jr high, and high school. She is one of few who I still keep in touch with after all these years — I love you sis and thank you for always being there for me.
Today we talked about the what if’s … what if when her mom (dispatcher and reserve officer) found out about what was going on (Aug 8, 1994 — after the relationship turn sexual and a few times forceful, but not yet fear driven where he threaten to get it from my friends if I didn’t keep doing it or having the gun with him and sometimes in his hand to remind me he can do whatever he wanted or his knife knowing all my fears from what I had seen when I was 7 and experienced when I was 9 and always making sure I remembered that he had the badge so he would be protected, etc) she turned him in and helped me make the reports of the times he had forced me to do something. How would my life me different now if she did the right thing? What if she asked me questions about what had happened and not just start yelling at me. Instead she blamed me (reminder I was 17 and he was 46 by now) for everything and just gave “Mikey” a warning to leave me alone or she would go to his wife — like that stopped him and she already made it perfectly clear that she wasn’t going to help me so I couldn’t go to her as she was one of them (those who protected each other)!
What if we would have told her dad when “Mikey” forced me to do things or threaten my friends — I know now he would have done something because when we finally told him how bad it got (years after I got away) it took all our strength to keep him from walking out his door with the gun and I’m sure if he had left that night “Mikey” wouldn’t be alive today. (The only reason we stopped him was we didn’t want to visit her dad in prison) My friend said I’ve always thought about how our biggest mistake was not telling her dad sooner because he would have reached out to a certain police officer that was friend with his brother and things would have been taken care of. “Mikey” would have spent time in jail for the things he did instead of walking away as if nothing happened — while I take years if ever to “get over it”
We both came to the conclusion today that we can do all the what if and wishing we did this or that but we have to remember we were kids — teenagers, but still children. We didn’t know all the things we know now and that’s why we didn’t know to do it any other way than to do what he said so he didn’t hurt my friends. I did what I had to do to keep others safe and if people want to blame me so be it I know what I went through and with my journal put a lot of my questions of who was to blame to rest because I know it was the ABUSER because that was exactly what the police officer was and he needs to take the responsibility of what he did! Some of the threats and things he said to me just reenforced that the officers around me was on his side and after reading most of my journal I’m starting to think his words was why I pushed everyone away because he made me think they were all on his side — other than the one that basically told me to keep my mouth shut when I tried to turn him in — that definitely didn’t help the situation either.
After reading most of my journal I definitely understand why he wanted to find my journal so he could burn it. “I need to burn those for you because I could get in a lot of trouble if the wrong person finds them and it would cause career suicide for me. If you don’t let me burn them, then you get rid of them ” Tells me he knew what he was doing was wrong! No wonder he wanted me to tell My friends mom that I had made everything up and he would just tell people that he helped me when I was suicidal and didn’t realize that I was fantasizing about a relationship. I’m so glad I’ve kept my journal all these years cause of all the answers to my questions are there!
Please if you are thinking of hurting yourself in anyway or killing yourself, please call one of the suicide hotlines given here. Suicide Hotlines
If you have been sexually assaulted in anyway or are supporting someone who has, please call one of the sexual assault hotlines given here. Sexual Assault
Stop Police Sexual Violence 