February 1, 1994
A letter (add on):
Where is this year going? You’re making my life fly by, but that’s OK. At least I now have something to look forward to. I’m going to start tutoring a girl on Mondays and Wednesdays. I want to do it, but it’s after school and I’ll never get to talk to you unless you call after 5PM.
On these days if she works you could pick me up around 4 or so and get me back by 5PM or I can walk to meet you somewhere. All I have to do is tell the girl I’m tutoring for I have to leave at 4. On Tuesdays and Fridays if she works we can make other plans. When I have my car then that’s the difference. And no I won’t have friends with me, maybe Anna sometimes. She’s more like my sister. I want to be able to tutor her, it’s in algebra 2 and I want to be a math teacher but I want to be with you and talk with you more and unless you get the nerve to call me when my parents are home I hardly ever get to. They won’t get mad and if they do all we have to do is say goodbye for the night. Don’t worry and please call because I do get lonely when we don’t talk for a while.
I love the time we spend together, but if it’s at a game or Timmy is there or we don’t talk it hurts because like I told Morgan – we’re so close to each other and only feet away from touching one another but yet we’re so far away because we can’t talk. It hurts.
And I think that’s the only reason I feel it’s changing is because sometimes when I’m at the game it feels like you don’t want to talk but then I think about it and realize that it’s not that you don’t want to but because you can’t. So maybe we can get together sometime other than the games you work. I want to see you more, talk to you more, and I want you to write me back at least one time. End of letter.
He didn’t get to the library until 4:10 PM and I was a little upset about that, but I was mainly upset because of his beard. You would think he could leave it off since I’ve told him I don’t like it, but anyway. He had to run some errands so he didn’t get to stay long. I believe we left at 4:30PM. He smiled at me when we passed each other then we passed again and he smiled and waved. I wish we could have been together longer, but my life must go on, and sometimes we just don’t get to see each other as much as we want to.
Back to us being at the library anyway we didn’t talk much he asked where the letter was and I pointed to it. He spent the time reading it and said he would write me back later. I hope he does but I won’t look forward to it until I get it because he always says he’ll shave and the next thing I know it’s back.
Anyway, I still love that he also asked me about calling tonight and I said I’m tutoring and asked if she was working and I think he said yes I said come here at 4 and he said OK he also said he’ll call Thursday he also asked “I’ve been thinking about what exactly do you mean by physical”. And I know I blushed, the words just couldn’t come out and one word did, “whatever”. I know I blushed I could feel it
February 2, 1994
(Not word for word)
PRIMERO,
I guess I’ll start this letter with mom and me. My brother and her get along. I don’t. Explained how I tell her to leave if I know I’ll end up fighting. Talked about English lit
Talked about the reason I was upset about his beard and how I would get used to it if I had to. I talked about beards for a whole page plus more then I went into the real reason “what exactly do you mean by physical?” Well the question is “what do you think I mean by it”. To me I mean do what you want to do. If you want to lean against me lean against me, if you want to rub my leg, rub my leg, if you want to touch me touch me, if you want to kiss me kiss me. I think you get the point.
Then I talked about Coach Hakens and him getting mad about writing in his class.
If you start to do something I don’t want I’ll tell you and no I won’t get mad, I don’t think there’s much that I don’t want right now. I know I don’t want to go all the way, right away. You know what I mean. And that’s all I don’t want. I also don’t want you to get in any trouble. So do what you want.
Back when I asked you what you wanted and you asked me I wanted to tell you, but I thought maybe you didn’t want that part of it. I don’t want to push you into anything you don’t want, just like I don’t want to by anyone. That’s a lot of the reason why my ex-boyfriends and I broke up. I want to do other things with you, but I don’t want to push you into it. Anna says I don’t need to think that way because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t have given me the magazine. And that’s all.
Maybe we can go someplace tonight. I have to be back at the library by 5PM in the meantime, who cares what happens we can just enjoy ourselves.
End of summary of the letter!
Well I saw his car at the doctor’s office and funeral home and he went by me when he left and he had the biggest smile towards me and I had one for him. I also walked by his house to go to the nursing home.
{Note: I used his real first name in my journal but for the blog I changed it to the nickname}
Ida Lincoln Ocean Victor Edwards Mary Ida King Edward Young (I love Mikey)
Ida’Mary Charles Ocean Nora Frank Union Sam Edward David (I’m confused.)
January 4, 1994
Well, last night wasn’t the best night to live, but I’m making it. I feel that if it wasn’t for Mikey’s advice and my meeting him I would be in a whole different state of mind. With everything else about my grandma and this tablet you can guess what happened last night. Yes, she died at around 9PM. We found out for sure at 10PM and went up to the hospital. Anna heard it on the scanner and called us and told us she was going to the hospital. We didn’t get home until 1230am or so and couldn’t sleep. Why did she have to die isn’t a question for me, it’s why did she have to suffer for so long. But I guess both of those are questions I’ll never get answers to, so I’m not going to dwell on them. I know I have to go on with my life for one thing she would want me to and for another I just don’t have a good reason not to go on. Everybody dies some time and it just happened to be her time last night. But why couldn’t she have seen her grandkids more than she had, why couldn’t everybody just live close by so everybody could have seen her more and talked to her more.
I’m so glad I was one of the lucky grandkids that got to see her a lot in her lifetime. I can name at least three that only saw her twice (if that) in her lifetime. It’s just not fair. We should have all been there for her and only my one Uncle round up there. He had his dad die in his arms and now his mom was close enough to it. I really feel sorry for him. It has to hurt more than he let on. I could smell the liquor on his breath, but that’s the last thing I was thinking about. I actually saw my uncle cry last night, him telling his sister it really hurt. She must’ve taken it really hard, I could imagine because I know I did and it really hurts to think she’s gone. But I know that she and I had a good time to remember unlike some other grandkids.
I should’ve said I love you more often because I don’t know if she really knows it, but I did love her. It’s really hard for my dad’s side of the family to say and show their love for someone and it’s the same for my mom’s side. So it’s really hard for me.
I remember the last time I saw her, which was Saturday, January 29, 1994. We watched “Where the Red Fern Grows” and my mom’s mom was there to say goodbye that day too.
I wonder if she would be alive today if we didn’t go down last Saturday and say goodbye. But if it was her time to go I guess she would. At least I did say goodbye to her and hugged her last Saturday, but who would think it was our last goodbye. She was doing so good and yet she was less than a week away from death. That’s scary to think about since it means I now understand the saying you have to live until you die. Live your life to the fullest because you never know when your time is. How can I love Mikey as much as I do when my grandma, who I loved for 17 years just died. How can I think of getting together at a time like this? Am I selfish or needing someone really bad?
Anyway enough on Grandma – writing about it is just making me cry even more. Mikey was supposed to call me last night and he didn’t. I kind of knew something was going to go wrong but I wasn’t expecting this. It’s just not fair. I hope he calls tonight and I really need to talk to him. He’ll know what to say and when to say it. He always does and I wish he would call so badly. It just doesn’t make sense to me, but a lot doesn’t in my life.
I made a 67% on my first Trig test. I’m glad it’s not the 13% that one of my classmates told me I had. I would have broken down all over again. I was crying when I wrote most of this entry. And of course I flunked the spelling test with a 51%. I would have done that with or without grandma dying so I’m not upset about that, I have too much stuff to worry about. Dad‘s in Maryland and won’t be home until late Saturday or early Sunday.
Mikey called about 415 but we were off the phone by 420 because mom and my brother needed the phone. I told him my grandma had died the night before and it was pretty hectic around here. He asked if that was my mom yelling in the background and I said yes and to call around 6 or 7pm and he asked if it would be ok. I told him yes. He also asked if I left a message on the answering machine and of course I said no. Why does he always assume it’s me? I feel like telling him to stop because it’s not but I’m not going to. He also said he would try to call last night but he didn’t.
Caroline’s little brother called me later that night and said that he called and talked to him about how depressed I was and that he needed to call me. They discussed that I was depressed and that he was going to call at 7 – even, although he didn’t. And he said that I told him to call Mikey on the bus. I waited but he didn’t call. I got mad at Joey because of it. It made me mad and worried about it but Mikey didn’t call me. Anyway, I’ve had a rough week and I haven’t even had time to talk to him. Life goes on and he’s going to be in mine whether he wants to or not. I love him too much to leave him behind.
His wife is supposed to work at 3PM. I can’t wait until I get home. I’m going to call him if it’s not too late. Or before if mom and dad aren’t back by 3PM. It’s 103. And my Uncle and Aunt from Mississippi are here. They got in at 2 PM and Dad cut a 48 hour trip into a 20 hour one by stopping once for fuel and going 80 mph most of the way luckily he didn’t get pulled over or it really would be a problem.
I can still remember grandma telling me not to start smoking and I’m glad I quit because I’m not going to start back up I’m getting rid of the two I have and I won’t start I swear to that because I promised my grandma who I never told her I loved her enough I hope she knows I did love her and she will be missed.
When I thought of having my character Dawn experience her grandma dying I didn’t know I would be writing it with experience myself. I hope he calls me soon. I need to know if he’s mad at me or not. I really don’t think I would go all the way to suicide if we broke up right now but I don’t know what I would do. It would tear me to shreds that’s for sure because I would be losing two people I love with all my heart. It would just kill me if I lost both of them at the same time. I think he would understand and won’t break up with me until it’s all over and I get back on my feet. If he does then he’s not as caring as I thought and Anna would/will be behind me and helping me out in my sad time and heartache like I said I hope my one and only call soon.
February 5, 1994
I called him from Walmart and told him to call sometime soon because I needed to talk. Just hearing his voice helped but I missed him so much. I only talked to him for less than five minutes but it made me happier than before. I needed the voice of him because I missed him so much. And my Aunt from Mississippi gave me the quarter to call him.
February 6, 1994
I saw him at the grocery store today. It was great. My Aunt on my mom’s side and my brother was with me and he tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around and he said “looking for something”. I gave the film to my aunt and said I had to go talk to someone. He saw the turkey and it was that away. We talked for about 10 minutes about not much of anything. Mainly grandma and when the arrangements were. I forgot to tell him where. He said things like that happen to the best of us. And I said that life is going on and he says that’s because it has to. And then he asked how I was holding up and I said that I was doing OK but the worst is yet to come. He asked “why because you still have to say the last goodbye” and I said “yeah but people are going to be fighting over the farm and stuff”. He said “yeah that happened to my dad too but he just left”.
I told him that I didn’t know when I would be home when he asked if he should call Monday and he said “good because I have court and errands to run”. I told him that Tuesday I would be driving to school and he said that his wife didn’t work and I said OK.
When my brother came I said “I had to go” he said “OK”. Before I walked off he asked who I was with and then he asked if it was my brother and I said yes. I haven’t had a chance to tell him it was also my mom’s sister, who is 21.
Stop Police Sexual Violence 