January 19, 1994
PRIMERO,
Well I’m bored so I thought I’d type you a letter for once. I have 70 or so more pages left to read for a book report that’s due Friday, if we have school by then. This is the third day of boredom. I can’t take much more of this stuff. Hopefully school is back tomorrow because if it’s not I don’t know what I’ll do.
I have to go to a birthday party tonight. Your ride might be there because it’s for one of his friends’ daughters, also Caroline’s sister’s future stepdaughter. I claim her has my niece because Caroline’s whole family has been like a second family to me for years. Caroline’s Mom babysat for us during the summer of 87 also mom and dad almost got divorce that summer. I called her mom ever since. We’ve known that family since I was a baby. The family equals Caroline’s dad — mom and him are divorced. He had an affair and remarried that’s part of the reason Caroline and I are fighting. She is taking his side and is always negative about her mom. She’s the one I get along with even if Caroline tells me she’s not worth the time and effort
The kids —
1. The oldest one I don’t care much about him. He has hit Caroline and her sisters but they won’t do anything about it. I know for damn sure if I see it there will be a call Caroline says nothing has happened since Labor Day but I’m not for sure.
2. The sister whose having the birthday party. She will always be like a big sister to me. I can tell her everything and that’s why I claim her soon to be step daughter as my niece. I also get along with her soon to be husband. It’s some of his friends I don’t see eye to eye with. I have that much in common with Caroline. We both dislike him for reasons Caroline’s sister denies ever happened but I believe Caroline this time because of something he did to me on Labor Day weekend Caroline’s sister doesn’t know this. And the only other friend I know of his is your ride and from what I know of him he’s an OK guy.
3. Another sister, she is in a home for handicaps I haven’t seen her for almost 2 years.
4. Caroline you know her.
5. Caroline’s youngest brother he’s 12 years old but I can tell him anything. He’s also the one who drew the pictures of you and that’s the family.
Needless to say my real mom has to be there. My brother just left and won’t be home until late tonight. I’m glad for that maybe you can still come out sometime. Just maybe I’m not going to pressure you anymore you know what I’m saying. I don’t want you to get mad but this is my feeling so get used to it or break it off if you don’t like it. I love you with all my heart plus more! Love me and me and me and me alone.
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Well, needless to say, he called tonight it was at 4:25 he was at O’Reilly‘s like a lot of the times but this time it only lasted 10 minutes we were off the phone at 4:35. I was in tears and depressed the rest of the night (still am for that matter). I will write until this tablet is full because when I start the next one we are just friends. Friends that he will still call, I will still write letters to, and we’ll see each other like we used to, so what’s changed I have to change my feelings.
Right now I’m depressed, but overall I’ll be happier, when it’s all said and done. Well the phone call. Someone came so he asked what was going on and I said someone was there, but they left. I said, Friday probably around 4pm when he asked what time I would get to the library. Then I explained that if he didn’t see me around 340 when he got off work I probably didn’t get to drive to school. He said so you plan your time out right and I said I always do when I drive and he asked who I would have with me and I said probably Anna. He asked if that was it and I said yeah she was spending the night with me. Then I asked if he found out if his wife read the letter or not and he told me that she didn’t say anything about it if she had and then I asked if we talked about that in the car and he said no why. I said, “because I woke up with it this morning and I had a dream. We were talking about it and I couldn’t tell if it was a dream or real”. He told me it was a dream and nobody said anything if they had.
Then he asked what time it was I said 432 he said he had a lot to do. Then he said you don’t have anything to talk about do you. I said I guess not I was going to ask questions, but never mind. He said go ahead and then I said “no I want … I was going to ask and don’t get mad what you want out of this relationship” he said “just friends why” I said “I just wanted to know” holding back tears as I said it.
Then he said “I just don’t think you’re ready for this relationship”. He asked “Are you ok?” and I said “of course” then he said “why did you want to know” and I repeated that I was just wondering. Then he said “I see that you’re mature enough to handle this relationship and then sometimes I don’t. I just don’t think you’re ready for it”. I asked if that was the only reason and he said “no.” I said “OK”. And he kept saying I wasn’t ready, but I love him anyway. He asked why again and I said I was just thinking he said since when I said Thursday. He asked what happened Thursday and I said nothing. It was more like when you told me your wife might have read the letter. Then he asked what I wanted and I said I don’t know and that Me personally think it would be a lot more if the fact you being married wasn’t there and he said I understand that when I said I don’t know I’ve been thinking more and more every day (I didn’t tell him that I was thinking about sex more) I just I don’t know. (I was going to say I just love you) then he said I just don’t think you’re ready. I said, but I still want to be friends. He said “of course” and I asked if he still wants me to write letters and he said “oh yeah I still want to know how you feel” and he also said that he will still call.
Then he asked about Caroline and kept saying she seems like she could be trouble and I said we aren’t exactly friends right now he said I know that’s what I mean I said well that’s what I told her that if she says anything about me I could say a lot about her and that she says she wouldn’t spread anything about me. He said that’s what I mean, she just seems like trouble and I said that’s the reason I stopped hanging around Megean was because you told me she sounds like trouble. I mean I’ve only talked to her one other time and that’s because she was in public. And I’ve never called her since. He said I know and I said her sister warned me about her, but I’ve known her for so long you know. And he said I understand. I mean when her dad and mom were going through the divorce she didn’t want anything to do with me because I was friends with her mom, but now it’s like always negative about her mom. He asked whose that and I said her mom. And a second mom to me then I said I want to just tell her to shut up about her, but I’m a friend and I’m supposed to listen to her. One of these days she will see what’s really going on.
Then he told me he really had to go and I said OK, still holding back the tears. He asked if he could call tomorrow and I asked tomorrow’s Thursday and I said yeah call me. He said goodbye and then I said goodbye. We hung up at 4:35 and I cried and cried.
I relistened to the tape and cried some more and then Anna called at 4:50 and we talked until 515 I’ll explain what we talked about in the morning. It’s 1021 and I’m tired, but we mainly talked about Mikey and how upset I was. I have this page +25 more pages before the tablets filled, but I will end it with today’s date even if I don’t fill it because this is when he told me to go back to just friend the next tablet will be just friends except I will still have feelings for him that won’t change for a while. When you love someone as much as I love Mikey you can’t just change your feelings overnight. I have to write him a letter after I explain what Anna and I talked about and Caroline’s soon to be niece’s birthday was OK. I was depressed so I didn’t have as much fun as I had in the past at Caroline’s sister’s house. Her boyfriend’s friends weren’t there. I wish your ride was and thank God the other one wasn’t. I talked to Caroline’s sister and she told me that it will work out for the best and in the long run I would be happier. I had told her that I was depressed now and someday I’ll be happy about it. She agreed. We left and Caroline’s brother got his mom to go by the nursing home and Mikey was home and I smiled. It really made me a little less depressed to see his car. We also listened to songs that reminded me about him all the way to the birthday party until I told Caroline’s brother that he knew how to make someone depressed and reminded him every song on the tape reminded me of Mikey and he told his mom to turn the tape off and said he was sorry. I said it was OK.
Anna and I discussed my feelings. She knew something was wrong the minute I answered the phone she asked me what was wrong. I explained how I asked him that question and his answer and how I was beginning to feel that maybe I was looking at this relationship wrong. She told me that I wasn’t just that he’s getting scared. I told her that my feelings weren’t going to change overnight. I loved him and it won’t change just because he wants to be just friends. She agreed. Then I told her that nothing changes, that he’s still going to call, I’m still going to write letters and we’re still going to see each other. She said but he’s putting it in terms of friendship and that you can see it in his eyes that he had feelings other than friendship and I said I could tell that too but it hurt and that he keeps saying that I’m not ready for anything else. I told her that I was depressed now, but in the long run I will be happier and that now with us breaking it off now we can stay friends, but if we would have gone all the way and broke up we wouldn’t have been able to do that. I read the letter I wrote and told her that I was still going to give it to him because I wrote it before we discussed stuff but that I ripped off the PS. She understood once I told her what it said. I repeated that maybe I was thinking too much of this relationship and going too fast. And she said that I was wrong and I said 9 chances out of 10, We wouldn’t be breaking up if he would have shown up at the airport that night because I was going to tell him I wanted to go all the way. Then I said no I don’t want to admit that then she said but remember he wants to stay friends if he only wanted that he would have broken it off without being friends.
I repeated that I loved him so much and it was going to be hard to go on without him and she said, but it’s not without him he’s still your friend and nothing else has changed remember that. Then I told her I was going to write him a long letter before Friday explaining my feelings and that I didn’t know what I wanted to tell him if he called tomorrow. She said just let it go with the flow (in other words let the conversation go as it wants to.) It won’t be bad you’ll both know what to say when he actually calls and don’t say you won’t because you will, just like you can’t tell me you don’t love him, because you do.
Letter – January 20, 1994 – Letter
PRIMERO,
It’s 9:29 AM. Needless to say, I’m in American History for the first time all week, but I’m glad we’re back in school. Whether or not we’re just friends I still miss you. Anyway I’m mainly writing to explain my feelings on the question I asked you last night. I’ve been thinking about it ever since I asked and I think I brought the subject up the wrong way but I want to explain what I wanted to say. I thought about what I wanted to put in this letter for a long time, but it still might come out wrong. Anyway, here goes.
No, I started wanting to ask you that question Wednesday after you told me your wife might have read the letter, but it wasn’t until Thursday when there wasn’t any phone call that I really wanted to. Then Friday came and I was still wondering because I was thinking you wanted sex, which needless to say, I was thinking more and more on it (that’s what I told you I was thinking about but I couldn’t finish the sentence). I told the friends I’ve been writing notes back-and-forth to that I was going to ask because I was afraid I was pushing the relationship too fast. She told me it was smart and that if I didn’t want whatever the guy did that I wouldn’t be moving too fast, but to still ask if he’s as understanding as I had said he was and I told her that I could tell you everything and I trust you which she knows is hard for me. She said I guess there’s always a first and that I need to hold onto you if I truly trust you and I told her I would hold onto you as long as I possibly could. That was Friday and no phone call. Went through Saturday Sunday and Monday, without one which I understand but I was getting so jumpy I wanted to hear your voice so bad mom kept lowering my hopes because she said that if I didn’t mean enough to get a phone call in five days and forget them to I told her I couldn’t because I loved him. And Tuesday, before I got to the nursing home she said you know I would worry about him because I had a boyfriend that was engaged the whole time we were together and that was why he never called. I was thinking she didn’t know how close she was to hitting home.
But then I saw you Tuesday and I thought no I’m not going to ask a stupid question like that I’ll just wait and see how he acts, but then we went that whole ride with you only putting your hand on my knee one time and I started thinking that maybe he doesn’t want that kind of relationship maybe it’s just me that wants it. Then I started thinking about moving right next to you and put my hand on your leg but every time I would start to think that a police car would go by and I would think no I better not he’s not indicating that he wants me to so maybe I am looking at it all wrong. And I decided that I really wanted to ask you the question but I didn’t know how or when to ask. I didn’t want to get you mad or make this go too far without you having the same feelings. So I guess when you said just friends it hurt, but I feel it’s also for the best. You being married has a lot to do with me holding back, but you not making the first move has two times more to do with it because I didn’t really know what or how to act. Like I’ve told you, you’re the first guy I’ve ever really truly trusted enough to touch me as much as you have, which I may add I love that tinder touch. Thanks to you I’m learning to trust other people as well as you. It took time before I trusted you but I have learned how.
Anna helps with that stuff and knows everything. She has always been there for me and encourages our relationship. I was crying when she called last night. It was 5 to 10 minutes after you and I got off the phone she knew something was wrong and we talked about it. I was still depressed when I went to the birthday party and everybody was asking me what was wrong so I tried to hide it better. Then Caroline and her brother got their mom to go through town, get gas at our normal gas station and go out by the nursing home. Going by your house helps.
I started thinking about how close of friends we are and how we will stay friends this way. What I meant is if we would have went all the way and later broke up I doubt we stayed friends, but this way we will stay friends and maybe when I get older or get unconfused about your wife – you and I will have a different kind of friendship, but let’s back off for a while. That’s what I came up with and I smiled. And Caroline’s brother asked why and I just said “I realize that a guy can make your life totally different”. And all of us (Caroline, her brother, and I) smiled and their mom and my mom didn’t understand and we didn’t explain. I didn’t cry myself to sleep like Caroline’s brother told me I probably would. I didn’t tell them what happened but they could tell I was depressed and something was wrong. I too thought I would cry myself to sleep but going by your house made me happier not all the way, just a little bit.
When you called tonight, I’ll be even happier and seeing you Friday will make me even more happier. I’m not depressed anymore. Just confused on what you wanted when you first started calling me. I don’t want our friendship to change that’s for darn sure, I just have a lot of questions I never could figure out the answers to and now that you told me just friends and I’m not ready for anything else. I don’t think I want the other answers.
I’m in trig right now but I’m done with the assignments and next hour is study hall with Anna. The book report due date was changed to next Friday. That’s OK with me. I’m going to the games on the 27th and 28th. Anna will be with me on the 27th and nobody on the 28th. My dad‘s birthday is the 25th, but I don’t know if he’ll be home or not. He’s turning the big 40 but life goes on and he doesn’t do well on birthdays much.
I asked Anna (before I ask you the big question) if she thought that you ever thought you were with your daughters because of the age difference. I was depressed one day because someone (Caroline) said doesn’t it feel like you are with your dad and that made me wonder. To me I’ve never thought about age difference if the guy treats me right and that you do. The two I care about the most and will never forget are you and Kansas Boy. And they’re the only two that ended in a friendship (in other words we’re still friends) I haven’t talked to any of my other ones partly because they were long distance and secondly because they were jerks. I can’t say that about you or Kansas Boy because both of you have made me happy and will for many years to come.
I got three minutes left before the bell rings. Yes I’m filling in space. I want to start the next tablet when you call tonight and just a friendship tablet, but my feelings for you won’t change overnight. Remember this because I have strong ones for you that every time you call get stronger, but If I put in my mind you only want to be friends they’ll go away sometime.
When Kansas Boy told me that it took a year and a half, I don’t know but if it takes that long for every relationship I really would have trouble because I would never get married if that was the case. But I care about you and when I find that special person I’ll move on. That’s what happened with Kansas Boy. In fact Kansas Boy and I don’t talk much because of his girlfriend but when she’s not around we talk. He’s the guy that gave me my first and last kiss that was on December 7, 1993 and we weren’t exactly sober. If you understand what I’m saying. I was hoping you would have given me my second and more. The only reason I got so depressed afterwards was because I wasn’t expecting the answer I received. I’ve had friends in the past that told me not to ask a question if you don’t want the answer. Well, this time I wanted the answer I just didn’t want that one. You had told me that you felt that you were doing me some good. Well, I know you are so let’s keep it that way. Well I’m on page 10 and I have another 11 pages to go but I might not write that much. In fact I know I won’t. I’m about feelings out (I have all my feelings out) I’ve been thinking about not giving you the other letters, but I did write them before I asked the question so I’m also thinking about going ahead and giving them to you. Anna says I should, so I probably will.
Anyway I’m now in chemistry at 1:19 PM. Well, we are doing labs today so I won’t be able to write this hour. But chorus is a free hour today but Anna is in my chorus class so who knows what I’ll be doing. I think Mr. St. Clair‘s wife had her baby. He told us if he wasn’t there that that’s what it was, but we haven’t talked to him since last Friday. The lab wasn’t the best because I got burnt and I spilled acid and was the center of attention for the rest of the class. One of the guys in class brought up my drinking which I haven’t had any since December 07, 1993 and he probably had some last night. It makes me mad that everybody holds one night against me when they do it all the time. It really makes me mad but this letter is getting too long so I’ll close it with saying this tablet is going to end with 340 pages in it and I’ll start another one with the date January 20, 1993 which is when I wrote this letter, but it’s because of the 19th I wrote it so I just left it in here. The phone call goes in the next tablet and this tablet goes with the Pepsi bottle, the water bottle, the $4.50 I kept from you, the runts (two bananas, two cherries, and two limes), a popcorn wrapper and last but not least a gum wrapper from 11/10/1993 anyway it’s probably more in that drawer under my bed but luckily mom don’t know about it and it’s all in Mikey terms anyway. I have a little summary of what everything is and when I have a bad day and you don’t call I go through it all. It makes me look back at a lot of the good times we shared, but let’s not make it our last. Your friend me.
January 20, 1994
He called at 4:10 PM and we talked about our feelings. Maybe it’s more like mine. Yes, I’ll explain after this movie.
He then asked if we had school today and I told him yes thank God. He asked why and I said because I was getting bored. He asked me if I really liked school and I said I loved it. He said why to get out of the house and I said that’s part of it.
Anything happen today he had asked me and I said no not really and then he asked if I was still going to the library and I said yes, but go straight to the library because I’m driving to school and I probably still go out by his work place around 3:40 PM but just in case he asked how long the letter was and I explained that it was 5 pages from before and then 10 pages from today. Then he asked what was in the 10 page letter and I said he’ll read it. He said I know, but what. I said just some feelings. Then he talked about how he wished I would tell him about what was in the letter and told me that I was getting quiet and asked if I was depressed. I said no, but I was yesterday. He asked why and I said because of what you said. It’s all in the letter then he asked what did I ask. Just friends he reasked and I said when you said just friend he asked why did that get me upset and I said it’s all in the letter. He said “well I just don’t think you’re ready for anything else. And when we first met you were having trouble in that area and sometimes it can cause more trouble than good if we go too fast. Know what I’m saying.” And I said “I guess” he said “what do you mean you guess?” I said “I guess.” And then I said “well you know I guess about a lot of things” and he said “OK” I said “it’s kind of like him saying I hear you there” and he said he understood and that’s when he said he listens and tries to understand all and he kept saying he understood on the saying I guess we also talked about how at first I didn’t feel comfortable. When we first met I was having trouble with a lot of stuff and how I’m always trying to prove myself to my mom on my grades, and on my brother and friends that’s when I said I guess after he said you don’t have to prove yourself just do everything for yourself.
He also told me that “if everything’s in the letter why don’t I just hang up” and I said “no I’m not letting you go so you’ll have to hang up on me”. He said “OK”. I said “no just tell me when you have to go” and he asked what time it was 423 and he said “I can talk for a little longer”. “My pen is dying out from you” he said “what” I said “the pen is dying so now I have to go back to black” he said “you can fix that by buying new ink”. I said “I know and I’m not throwing it away” he said “no don’t throw it away” and I said “I’m not” he said “oh for memories”. I said “yeah I keep everything I still have my Pepsi bottle from you” he said “are you serious” I said “yes” and he asked what I did with the still water bottle when I said I kept it and put it with everything else I’ve kept and he said “so you’re a collector” I said “only from people I really care about” and he said “now I see why what I said bothered you”. This is where he explained to me proving myself and stuff. Then he asked about Caroline and said that he really felt that she could be trouble. I said “well I’m not telling her anything else”. I said “we all went to a birthday party” he asked who’s, I said Caroline’s sister’s soon to be step daughter. he said who’s I said it’s like well Caroline’s sister’s future stepdaughter and my niece. And we all went down there and I was depressed and they kept asking what was wrong and I told Caroline’s brother. He asked who. Carmen‘s little brother, that I didn’t want to talk about it and I said that three times and I said yellow green and red because they were blaming my mom and Caroline said was it Mikey she said he didn’t call and I said yes and no and I don’t want to talk about it. Caroline said is it because it’s me and I said no I just don’t want to talk about it. He repeated that he didn’t think I was ready for this relationship and asked if I understood I said no I don’t he said that he would listen anytime I said I can write letters better than talk. That my feelings are better on paper and he repeated that he’ll listen and sort things out to understand it.
I told him about burning my hand in chemistry (I noticed I changed the subject a lot when it gets to the messy stuff not being ready) and I explained about the acid and about being so clumsy and he said you being depressed and I said no by then I was kind of hyper. And I said I had talk to Anna and he said what does she think and I said I don’t know and I said she called right after we hung up so she knows everything he asked what she thought and I said I don’t know like I said I can always write letters better than putting my words into a voice and he said again that he would listen and he listen to short things out and I said I know, but it’s easier for me to write and he said I know but I like your voice and you need to talk more.
Then Caroline and her brother got their mom to go through town to get gas at our normal gas station and go by the nursing home. Caroline’s brother used a friend of the family for an excuse and we got halfway down and their mom said their friend was in the hospital and I’m like oh boy. But seeing your house made me happy again seeing your car does that to me and I said that sounds stupid and he said no it doesn’t and asked what I thought about that ride in his car if I liked it and I said yeah it’s in the letter too. This is when he told me that if everything‘s in the letter he should just hang up at 4:24PM. He told me he was at KFC and I said sounds good and he said finger licking good. He said he had his car running. And he started talking about something I can’t remember but he also told me I was getting too quiet and asked if I was going to get depressed on him again and I said no and he said because I don’t want you to get upset because of what he was saying and then the subject got back on the letter and he asked me what it had in it and I said a lot on my feelings and he said of what and I said from the time your wife might have read the letter to the time I asked you the question he asked what? I said what he wanted out of this relationship? And afterwards and then he said that he just didn’t think I was ready for anything else and I said what do you mean by anything else and he said the physical part and I said that’s what I thought.
I don’t remember everything he has said but I do me because of the tape. Then he asked me about Aubree and how old she was. I said 16 in September no 17 no I turned 17 in December and she is younger than me so 16 I was right. He said and she’s having sex and I said no I don’t even think she had a steady boyfriend. And I said I think out of all my friends there’s only one that’s really had sex and that’s Renee and he said is that the Spanish one I said no but I guess there’s two close friends I said Renee’s full name and he said oh you know her and I said yes. Is she back in school and I said no she quit and he asked who got her pregnant and I said her husband and he laughed and asked but who? I told him Renee’s husband’s name and he said he didn’t know him and said but they got married. I said, I don’t know if they got married because of her being pregnant or if she got pregnant to get married. Because she wanted to get married but her parents wouldn’t sign for her so they took the chance I said I don’t know if I would have with him being 22 and her being 15 or 16 now. He couldn’t believe it and I said I know I was like one of the first friend to know even before she knew for sure and I could picture her being a mom but not pregnant not until she was going through the stages because she’s so small, I guess that’s the one good thing about being big you can hide something like that and she’s back to her skinny old self.
He told me he had to go and I said OK he said you’re not going to get depressed on me are you and I said no he asked if I was for sure and I said yes and I’ll see you tomorrow and he said that will help a lot right and I said oh yeah. Well I’ve talked about it with Anna and he asked what was her reaction and I said how did she say that I told Anna that you said we’re just going to be just friends then I paused and said but he’s still going to call me, he’s still going to meet me and she said so what’s changed and asked why I was so depressed so I started cheering up again because she made me realize nothing was changing. I’m thinking about not giving you the four page Letter and he asked why and I told him because of what it says and he asked what that was and I said it describes what Aubree’s advice was and he said well let me read it anyway OK. I said OK. See you tomorrow and he started to say talk to you tomorrow but changed it to see you and I said goodbye and so did he.
He also told me that just friends could mean a lot because friends do a lot together and he asked if I understood him and I used my line of I guess he repeated that friends can have a lot in a friendship and I said I guess. And he said, “So are we still going to meet each other some?” and I said you bet.
What a phone call. I still wonder if we will do something stupid one of these days, but at least I know he did want a physical relationship. He also asked if I read the magazine and he said just so you can realize that people can enjoy themselves with that and that he wished I didn’t worry about his wife because she’s not worth it he also said that he feels that as long as you’re with people you were happy with then that’s what counts and I’m happy with you and you’ve admitted to me a dozen times that I made you happy so I wish you weren’t so worried about it all. I’m still not for sure who’s the most worried, me or him or both. He also said he didn’t want to hurt me and that I’ve surprised him and when I asked what he meant he told me that I had blossomed so much since we’ve met (I love him that’s why) he also said that I still had a ways to go. He said he loved the feel of my skin and the sound of my voice!
I can still hear him saying well I never defined what just friends met it can mean a lot you know. And asking if we were still meeting sometimes. Man I love him, that’s going to take a lot to change. And now he realizes that I cared about him a lot because I told him I only keep things from people I really care about. And when he said I had trouble with the stuff at first I wanted to say wouldn’t you if you were almost raped at the age of 9 and who knows what else, but I didn’t want to tell him that and he says that I act a little nervous still about it. I’ve tried to reassure him that I’m not but I can’t seem to get it in his mind. I’m not sure if it’s him or my past but either way – I love him and yet get nervous so easily I don’t understand that.
07/26/2021 — I have gotten pretty angry after reading these entries in my journal. How dare this man make me think I was the one pushing the relationship. Luckily for me, he explained himself more the next day so I didn’t keep thinking this way. Mikey knew what he was doing, he would make me feel guilty for not trusting him and make me feel bad for it because it wasn’t him who had hurt me when I was younger. I blamed myself for being nervous all the time and yet he was getting me used to it little by little. He was getting me to fall even more in love with him, while he was planning the next step.
Mikey introduced me to the concept of “Friends with Benefits” when I was 17 and 1 month old. It makes me so mad to realize all the things he introduced to me. He stated that he didn’t think I was ready for the physical part. I was a kid — I might have been a teenager, but I was still a kid. My counselor pointed out today that at the age of 17 I legally couldn’t consent to anyone who was older than 21 years old. I’m sure Mikey knew this and is why he kept getting nervous when we would get closer to having a hands-on relationship. He had touched me here and there to get me used to his touch. It wasn’t until later that he started touching more than just my shoulder, back, legs, and neck. He had already stated that he had tried to do some first moves but that I would back away from him — this was when I was 16. After reading these entries, I’ve realized that he wanted a physical relationship from the start. He knew I was having a lot of issues with my past and was in counseling. He knew I was suicidal and afraid to talk about things that happened to me. He knew so much about me that he was able to use it to his advantage.
My counselor also pointed out that all the teachers (who I had told about the situation), all the police officers (who had seen how he was acting around me), all the counselors (I had opened up about the situation), and even my priest all committed a misdemeanor A for failing to report. She understood why I felt like these adults had let me down and that I didn’t feel like I could go to them when I really needed to when he had sexually assaulted me. We discussed the defintition of rape and why what I didn’t consider what I described happened in April 1994 rape and just use the words sexual assualt. She helped me realize that what he had done was rape rather he used his penis or his fingers it didn’t really matter, since he had forced me to do it after I asked him to just take me home. I for some reason hate to use the word rape — I think part of it is because of my husband not understanding what happened back then was not my fault and it’s hard sometimes to admit how bad it was when I continued to hang out with Mikey even after he forced me until the back seat of his car in April 1994.
Stop Police Sexual Violence 