January 13, 1994
Well, I can’t get sex off my mind I know that’s normal for me, but this is different. I have this weird feeling Mikey’s going to be my first. I’m a little nervous because of my beliefs but it’s also because of what if we did get caught or were found out about even if I wasn’t Catholic I would be nervous about that one. He’s 45 to my 17 doesn’t that sound sick, but to me it’s love. I love him, not because of looks but because of the way he treats me. He treats me with respect. I wonder if he’s the same way with his daughters. I wonder if he’s the type of dad I wish I had, but from the way he treats me I think it’s more than a daughter-father relationship we have between us (or it would be sick) even if he’s old enough to be just that. So I can talk to him about everything and anything that should be a father-daughter but there’s more than that between us I swear to that. Because if that was what we had (In other words, if he was my father our relationship would be sick). I love him doesn’t that mean anything.
Anyway I found out today that when you have your first time that you need to do it fast and get it over with because it hurts more doing it slow. I wonder what Mikey would say on that one. I know he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me on purpose, but my first time will hurt and whoever is the “lucky” guy to have that present from me will hurt me, but not on purpose. It’s just a fact that it happens for the first time. I never thought I’d be put in this kind of a situation, but he says that beliefs keep you away from the fun things in life. I want to know what he wants to do in this relationship and the next time he calls I’m going to ask. God, please don’t let it only be sex because I don’t want to go that far, but yet I’m thinking more and more about it. I’ve made it this far and I’m going to try to go for a marriage, but what if one thing leads to another that’s what I’m afraid of and the only reason I have protection just in case. Please don’t let him get in trouble, we love each other too much for that to happen but I still want some answers from him. I want to hear those famous sayings of his which are 1) Know what I’m saying, 2) You know, 3) Okay, 4) I hear you there. They make me so happy of course so does he – they both make me smile, but it’s mainly him.
Well I guess this has every right to be in this too, Caroline and I are fighting she slipped too many times and I chewed her out for it this morning I apologized, but I promised myself I wouldn’t tell her details on what’s going on with Mikey and I. I wouldn’t have gotten mad, but she said “you mean his wife”. And she said it loudly. I talked to Anna about it, if this ever got out it would be embarrassing for my family and his, that’s what I’m trying to keep out of this relationship. Anna agreed with me and I’m not telling her details and I thought about telling her I didn’t want to take her to the game, but I didn’t. She waited for me after first hour and we didn’t talk much. Then we didn’t say anything to each other until she called me tonight. Aubree jumped my case on it and I explained my feelings and she understood what I meant. Anyway when Caroline called she told me that she told Heather that our relationship wasn’t going to last for long and I asked why she told her that and she said because of the way you’re treating me. I said I have already apologized about that, but now it’s up to you to keep our friendship going because I’m not. I’m sick of it all. So now I see what a boyfriend can really do to a friendship. They make the truth come out after 16 years of not knowing it. She’s not the person to trust. I wouldn’t listen to anyone until I found out myself and now that I have I’m not going to tell her details that I’m not even sure if we’ll have a friendship to hold on for long. And believe me I have blackmail to use if it has to. If she tells anyone about Mikey I will tell about the guy she’s with and even though any true friend of mine knows I wouldn’t do that – it’s still that chance and I will tell her that I will do it. And if this morning causes us to break up a relationship then it does because it’s always her her her. And I’m sick of it. It’s always negative stuff about her mom and that’s hard on me, she knows that but she still has to talk to me about it. Well needless to say things will change. This next thing was her choice. I asked her if she still wanted to go to the game Monday with me and she said no. I’m going to have her stick to that because unless things change that also means I’m not picking her up on Monday either. It’s up to her if she comes to me tomorrow morning, because I will not go to her. I’m sick of it.
PRIMERO,
Well, today wasn’t the best but this might sound stupid, but it’s like my mind knows when you’ll call and when you won’t because the days you don’t call my school day sucks and when you do they are excellent. Doesn’t make sense to me. When I really need a shoulder to lean on the best there is, isn’t around to be found. (I don’t mean that in a negative way because I understand when you don’t call. I really do.) Ever since I turned on the radio, every song has reminded me of you and usually that makes me happy, but this time even writing to you, thinking about you and rereading about you isn’t helping. I guess you want to know what’s going on. Well, you remember the girl Caroline, the one that was really quiet the first day you met her. Well she and I are fighting. My youngest Aunt – she’s 21 – warned me about a thing she calls friendship jealousy. She told me about it when she was 16 and I was 12. She had just started dating. Well, I still remember her explanation. And it’s happening to me. That’s when a person starts going out with someone and a close friend of that person doesn’t have a boyfriend. That friend will get real mad and stop hanging around you until either she gets a boyfriend so she can fit in or the other person breaks up with the guy. Well I’ll promise you one thing that’s not going to happen. If Caroline wants to break off our friendship (that’s sad) but I’m not going to let her break us up too. I love you too much to lose you because of her especially when we can be friends at the same time as me and you are going together. Even if we don’t break off our friendship she’s not going to be knowing much about you anymore because of the way she’s treating me and she says I’m treating her. But she slipped too many times and if this gets out it will be embarrassing for my family and yours not even thinking about us. And to tell you the truth I’m more worried about the families and you getting in trouble than myself – as long as I’m happy right now then I’m fine, but in the long run I don’t want everybody else to get hurt. Understand. I will talk to you about all of this but I won’t give you this letter. I’m afraid it will cause trouble.
Anyway after this section of this notebook I’m going to use code on everything I’ll tell you them over the phone. At first I might get confused, but once I’m used to it it will work out for the best, because as it is right now if anyone got this tablet they could pinpoint who it is whether your name is in it or isn’t in it anywhere. This one is almost full therefore the next one will be all coded and this one will be hidden in my room under my water bed. My parents don’t even know I’m keeping it so nobody will ever look for it, therefore they won’t read it and they don’t go through my drawers. That’s another positive about my parents. Mom got mad at me last night. Because I made a C+ in English Lit. We yelled for 15 minutes and said that if I didn’t get it to a B that she would take my car away. Well she can stick that crap up her f***** a** for all I care because I’m sick of it and if I’m doing my best then I’m doing my best that’s all a person can do. Right. We talked about prom tonight and she asked if I asked anyone and I said yes but Mikey doesn’t like proms so he said no with an added comment of “but don’t let me stop you from going”. Then she asked me, so you’re still planning on going to prom. And I said yes I am and then she said so ask someone else. I said no Mikey said no and I’m not going to ask anyone else because at this moment in time he’s the only one that I’d want to be with. I said, “he means a lot to me and he cares about me. He makes me happy, mom you know that’s hard for anyone to do”. And she said “I know I’ve never learned how to do that so maybe I can take some lessons from him. And if he’s so fantastic why won’t he let us meet him”. I told her that I had to know for sure if it would last and if it’s as good as I think that the minute we go out on a date by ourselves you’ll meet him. But so far we don’t have any plans of us going on a date where he picks me up and she said give it time. If he’s as wonderful as you say he is, he won’t want to stay away from you for long because you have to be two times sweeter than he is. I left the room after that, because just the other night she said just give him time if he’s as good as you say he is he’ll leave you soon because he deserves better, you never know about her one minute you’re great and the next you’re so stupid that you can’t spell the word A. I’m sick of her, too. Sometimes I wish I could just end it all, but I have you now and will make it through the fighting with you by my side. But I’m getting along with her better than a year or two ago. Every year we fight less and less. They say you grow out of fighting with parents – that it’s one of those teenage things but they never said that you start when you’re 5 and never been able to talk to her. I think my situation is a little different than teenagers thinking parents are so stupid. Because I’m smart enough to realize that if and only if I could trust my parents with my problems they would probably have a lot of the answers and could help me out. They were teenagers once too and even though I’m a teenager of the 90s and them of the 70s a lot of it has not changed. But I just don’t know how to talk to a mom that yells at you before you even get out the first sentence of the problem. I wish I could have a better relationship with her but I can’t. I’ve tried for years and am still trying. I know little about her childhood and she knows little about mine. Just like our teenage years. I know she had a scholarship to go to college instead she married dad and had my brother and I soon after. I feel she’s afraid I’m going to make the same mistake. What she doesn’t realize is that I’m not her and I’m making my own mistakes not hers. I have to learn to forget and forgive through all of them and I don’t always do that. I’m good at holding grudges — that I get from my dad’s side of the family.
If you want me to, I’ll find “Buddy Boys” – it’s a good book. You can read it sometime and when you’re done give it back OK but I’ll have to find it. See “Buddy Boys” I’ve read twice now and I love it more every time I read it, but tomorrow night I’m going to try and finish “Villette” I have 420 more pages to read I average 20 to 30 pages an hour or so 420÷20 is 21 hours to go and I won’t read that long but I’ll read as much as I can this weekend. 7 hours a day to finish the book I’ll try, but if I don’t I have until the 19th. I have to have two nights to write the book report. Anyway, and that’s English lit.
It’s 8PM and at 7:14 I was writing this letter too and our song came on. You remember TLCASAP. Some would come in handy right about now. All these love songs are making me tired but yet happier. I’m actually worried about Caroline. It’s hurtful to throw away a 16 year old friendship but when it happens it happens. Remember I’m starting my codes. Love me.
January 15, 1994
Well, I talked to my youngest Aunt for a little while at her house. We talked about boyfriends. I told her that he was 18 with twins and we talked about his ex-girlfriend, the twins mother and PRIMERO’s mother etc. She gave me earrings and we talked about when she first started dating and how her friend acted — how it’s happening to me. And how she doesn’t understand how someone can marry the first person you have a relationship with and I reassured her that I didn’t think this would last until marriage. We talked about how I saw PRIMERO More than she saw her boyfriend. And I told her that I still miss him when I don’t see him. And she told me that she understood. We also talked about how I didn’t want mom and dad to know he has kids and that I didn’t really want them to meet him either. We talked about PRIMERO the whole time. I almost told her how old he really was, but I changed my mind. I told her about me and older guys and then I said that I have some ex’s that are 27 and she said that they were older than she was and I said I know and started thinking about Primero. She would really think I was stupid, but then again he means the world to me and he cares about me it’s a first and I’m holding on until I find someone new.
Anyway on the way home I brought up statutory rape and if they would put charges against him. We talked and no one got mad at each other. Dad asked if I cared about him and I said yes. He told me that I was old enough to make my own decisions about things and that when I feel it’s the right time to use protection and not get pregnant because a lot of things teenagers do then cause a lot of dreams to change. He also told me I was smart enough to decide on my own. We talked about the best birth control being abstinence and I kept repeating that. And I admitted that I was a virgin and I wasn’t embarrassed about it. Explained about how the kids at school make you feel like you have too and all that stuff. And how I wasn’t going to go all the way just to keep him from leaving. And Dad said 9 chances out of 10 he’ll end up leaving anyway. That’s when he told me that when/if he does, it’s not my fault and nothings wrong with me. That’s when we talked about it not being the person‘s fault and that if we were meant to be together we will come back to each other.
At home we talked about his parents and stuff like that. Dad thanked me for bringing it up and I said thanks for listening. That made me feel better but I also know to find out if I’m pregnant before going to them because if we do do something and there’s no babies then they can’t prove it unless I say it is and since they don’t know him even if the baby came they can’t prove anything I can always say he skipped the country and believe me I would because unless it’s date rape I won’t let him get in any trouble over it. And the only way he can is if it gets out about our relationship, I open my mouth and/or my friends do and I know I won’t and I will deny my friends. And PRIMERO will never get caught. The only way I will open my mouth is if we are out and I say no and he won’t accept that as an answer and he goes all the way anyways. That’s the only way he’ll get in trouble by me and you know what I mean. I love that boy – PRIMERO –
January 16, 1994
This is the second dream where we talked about our feelings and our relationship and both times were good. Maybe it’s telling me to talk to him about them. Our song TLCASAP was #27 on the 105.3 countdown today.
Anyway, I was supposed to see him at the game tomorrow night. Why does the weather mess everything up? Why? I love PRIMERO and it’s been four days of not hearing his lovely voice or seeing his tender body. It depends on tomorrow if it goes on for five days. I miss him so much, please let him call tomorrow at least if there’s no school maybe there’s no game and if there’s no game then there’s no plan for me to be there right.
I used to think and feel that there’s no way I could live that long without him, but I have last weekend, this weekend and Christmas weekend were all like that, and I’ve made it through them. Every long-term of not hearing or seeing him I get through it a little easier, but the minute he calls I really do get happier, I still miss him, but luckily dad has been home and my family and friends talk about him, which I would say keeps me going. When I don’t talk about him I go downhill. He always knows what and when to say something. Always there for me. Doesn’t that mean something?
January 18, 1994
Well, this is the sixth day of not hearing nor seeing my one and only. Aubree saw him Sunday when she was at work, he went through her checkout line and Anna saw him last night at Walmart and all I’ve seen of him is in my dreams. See, the sixth day is very hard for me. I made it through the third day without being depressed, but Sunday I felt like maybe I did something wrong. Then I decided no he never calls on the weekends. Then Monday went through and no phone call. I really felt bad, I mean the last time I talked to him he told me he was going to the City with his wife and he thought she read one of my letters and I haven’t heard from him since.
Please let me see and talk to him tonight. I miss him so much. I don’t know if I’ll make it through another day without seeing him, I don’t even know for sure if he’s not telling me goodbye the hard way without any explanation. Anna says he wouldn’t do something like that, but doesn’t he know it’s hard for me to make it six days without him. I mean it’s going to be a week before he calls again or longer because I’ll be gone this afternoon. I might call him if and only if I know his wife is working and his daughters aren’t home. I don’t know what I should do anymore. I feel like crying because it’s so hard to let go, but if I can make it a week then maybe I should try another, but I know I’ll be so happy the minute I see him in that car of his or even his ride. I’ll be even happier when I talk to him. Isn’t being happy what life is all about, but why does it take going against all my beliefs to do that (to be happy) that doesn’t make sense to me anyway.
Well, I left the nursing home at 3:35 or so and got to the stop sign right when Mikey and his ride went by he smiled. Then I was walking towards his house and I saw him get the mail and he asked if I was going to the library and I said I had no car and he said do you want a ride and I said as long as I get back to the nursing home by five and he said “well walk down that way and wait for me”.
I waited 15 minutes and it was very cold. Finally he came and I got in. I hoped nobody saw. When I got in he said he was sorry it took so long because I said it took him long enough that it was cold. Then he patted my knee with his right hand and that was the only time he touched me. Maybe I’m looking at this relationship wrong. You would think if he thought what I thought he would have touched me a lot more. I have to talk about it tomorrow.
Anyway we got to the gas station and he told me he had to get gas. He told me he’ll have heat after he gets gas. I was like if you say so. Then he opened his door and said don’t go anywhere and I said I wouldn’t. He also asked if I wanted anything to drink and I said diet Pepsi. (I just now thought of a wine cooler but I really didn’t want one or I would have thought of it then) he came back and talk to someone and handed it to me without letting anyone see and asked what my brother drove I told him a truck and that I was trying to get all our license plate #s for him.
Before he got the soda he opened the trunk and the hood to fix something for heat. Then he opened the back door and I looked back and he said “don’t get spooked I’m back here”. I got to thinking and I felt like he was making fun of me, needless to say, I thought I was going to start crying four times during that ride. I couldn’t get my mind off what would happen if mom would have found out and why I was doing it. I couldn’t believe I left with a guy without mom knowing it. That’s part of the reason I wanted to cry. I was this little good girl that didn’t go against her beliefs with any of her other boyfriends and now I found someone that’s making me go against almost all of them but he makes me happier every time I see or hear his voice. Does that make any sense to you, because it doesn’t me.
I hope Mikey dies before me because these tablets I’m keeping of our relationship could get a lot of people in a lot of trouble if he doesn’t die before me. Mom and Dad would be able to read all my diaries when I die and believe me they will find out a lot about me they never knew when I was alive.
Anyway back to my ride, every time I thought about moving closer to him a car would go by or someone I knew and he said if anyone sees us together I was going to the grocery store and saw you walking OK. So we got to the first grocery store and he turned on his blinker but didn’t turn off, so I was like “oh boy what are we going to do until 5 PM”. Then he said he changed his mind and wanted to go to the other grocery store in town.
Then I smiled and started talking about the “rock” meeting place and he tried to explain where it was and he said but that’s when the weather warms up. I wonder what all he wants out of this relationship because I don’t know how to act because I don’t know what he wants I mean if he really wanted to go all the way why didn’t he touch me more I just don’t understand, maybe it is me who is trying to move this relationship too fast. I have to find out because I’m confused about what he wants. I don’t care what Heather says I’m going to be hurt either way and at least this way I can be happy for a time in my life. I’ve never had that not true happiness and now I found it and I’ll die before I give it up too soon. I will have to find someone who treats me with as much respect and tenderness as Mikey does before I’ll be able to let go. And if Heather won’t accept that then maybe I just won’t be able to talk about it with her.
Sometimes I catch myself saying we when I’m talking about me I get scared. I think maybe I have two personalities but then I’ll go for a long time without doing it and I forget all about it and then it will happen again and I wonder if the other person caught it.
Anyway back to the car, we didn’t talk much but I told him what will probably do Friday and he said she doesn’t work and I said so (I’m getting sick of her). He said “just thought you would want to know”. And I said “I’m still going to drive by about a dozen times” and he said “OK”. If he didn’t want me to, he could’ve told me right then and there right.
I realize he has a teddy bear that has a brown head and rainbow body. And I took a cap from an old soda and he gave me a bottle after I asked for it. I believe these are his radio stations and I’ll ask him what station he listens to the most to find that one out for sure.
- 1. somewhere around 88 it didn’t come in
- 2. Somewhere around 93 or so I think it was 92.7
- 3. His favorite he even turned it back to it as I was getting out of his car at 4:45
- 4. Country around 105.3
- 5. Country 99.3 (I know)
Big John and We Didn’t Go Near the Water were two songs I remember playing. When we got to the grocery store I asked if I was going in or staying out and he said “it’s up to you but you have to act like we’re not together.” I told him that my brother worked there and he said “then stay out here and watch the car.” I said “OK but hurry up”. That’s when I played with his radio and wrote down his mileage which is 94182 with a little 9 so right now it would be 94183 at least.
Before we got to town he said we were going to the first grocery store and I said anywhere as long as I’m back at the nursing home by five he asked why and I told him mom was picking me up then. He said well I’ll get you there a little early then. I told him I’ll just walk from where he picked me up at and he said OK.
When he was dropping me off he asked if mom worked yesterday and I said no and explained how she got mad when he didn’t call and how she said if you don’t mean enough to call when I’m home then how do you figure you mean anything to him. I told Mikey that I told her that he would call whenever he can and it’s none of her business when he does or when he doesn’t call. And he said that’s true and smiled. He was supposed to call tonight. I can’t wait.
We also talked about his wife and how she makes me feel guilty because he had asked if she makes me scared when I said she was working and I had to get out of there. I also looked at his mail and found out his middle name started with an M. I thought it was neat since mine does, too and I asked him and he wanted to know why and I said I was wondering. He said “Michael” I told him mine was Marie and I thought I’ve always wanted to name my child with a middle name of Michael now I have a good reason to.
7/22/2021 — I really think that when Caroline was going to Heather with information and telling a substitute teacher we both were friends with things she knew I wanted to keep secret, it was her way of trying to get me help. I believe that she noticed a lot of the redflags that at the time I didn’t see it or refused to admit it because I wanted someone to love and care about me as much as I believed Mikey did. I really think Caroline was trying to help, and due to my blindness I pushed her away. I noticed a pattern with those who would have helped. I thought they were trying to hurt me, so I pushed them away, and stayed friends with Mikey who was the main person I should have stayed away from. I wish I had done a lot of things differently back then, but you can’t go back, you can only go forward, and in doing so I pray I can help others not go through what I did. If I could tell Caroline one thing today it would be, “I’m sorry for the way I treated you back then and I’ve realized now that you were only trying to help. Thank you for being a good friend back then even if I couldn’t always see it.” I often look at the writings in this journal and ask “How could I have believed he loved and cared for me? How could I have loved him so much? Was I really that stupid not see what was happening?” I don’t know the answers to these questions, but what I do know at the time I truly thought he loved and cared about me the same way I loved and cared about him. It wasn’t until after he became forceful that I started see what he was doing, and even then I blamed myself. It has taken a long time to see what was happening for what it was: A police officer (who knew I was depressed, suicidal, afraid to tell others about police officer due to my past, afraid to talk to my parents, and confused teenager) using his power and control to say the right things at the right time to make a 16 year old fall for him and then was able to control the situation when I turned 17 and even 18 due to the force he would use. He knew that I believed the badge meant “they could do what they wanted when they wanted and get by with it because anyone wearing a badge would protect them,” because of the sexual assault that happened to me when I was 9 by a police officer. He knew I couldn’t talk about that event much due to the fear I had and the belief that you get hurt if you tell another police officer what one of their co-worker did. He knew he could get by with it because he knew I was too afraid to tell his secret. I’m not a teenager anymore, and finally found my voice and this time I will yell “I WILL NOT KEEP YOUR SECRET ANYMORE.” I so want to say what Mikey’s name is but due to my mom living in my hometown and that place still being very bad at protecting the badge and not the victim, I don’t feel safe telling where it happened, other than a small rural town in the USA.
Stop Police Sexual Violence 