My Uncle Frank would be 28 years old today, instead he was killed on a motorcycle on August 21, 1988. I hate those things. I miss him so much. He turned 10 the year I was born, but since I was born at the end of the year he was only about 16 days away from 11. We were close growing up and I remember the day we lost him like it was yesterday. Love and miss you, Frank.
Mikey,
Well you didn’t make it last night, and I trust in the fact you had a good reason, but it did get me very upset. When I get really depressed like last night, I drive around not worried about my speed and my radio is as loud as it can go.
Anna was with me until 9:30 and I got home at 9:40. Guess what, usually when I get depressed a “Double T” is the first thing I want, but last night I didn’t even think about them.
We were going away from the apartments on the highway when a cop came by and my radio was as loud as it could go, so we turned it down. And luckily I was only going 25 in a 30, because I had just looked down and I was going 55 in a 30 so I slowed down and by the time we saw him I was going 25.
Mom asked if we went to a town nearby and I told her no three times. And asked her why she said the boys played there. I told her I had to work the girl’s game and she said, “You didn’t get to see Mikey, because he went to that game”. I yelled, “I didn’t say that now did I” she said “sorry I didn’t mean to get you mad”. (I couldn’t believe it, she actually apologized.) I told her no I’m the one to apologize and she asked if we had a fight and I said no he cares too much to fight. She said “because if you did it’s a warning of what your life is going to be with him”. I said “you had clues and you still married dad”. And went to bed (crying without her knowing it)
So how did you like your cherries, you would’ve had a surprise if you would’ve made it to the city park, but now you’ll probably have to wait. I have to get my courage up again. I was going to tell you something, it was a lot of it, but life goes on and right now it’s not going with the surprise. Maybe next time. No guarantees on that. But I still have what I was going to give you and I still remember what I was going to say.
Well I figured out your nickname is Kiddy you probably want to know why. Well last night before the game we went out by your house and you weren’t there nor at the station so I drove around and said “where’s kiddy’s car”. Then we went to McDonald’s and Anna said “is that kiddy’s car and you know the rest. I said “yes, kind of like if you hit me one more time I’m going to hit you with my fist and put handcuffs on my wrist”. You said that on November 10, 1993.
You know something really funny every time I think about you, see you, go by your house, or anything that involves you, I have to go to the bathroom. I have to go really bad right now at 8:53. We don’t get out of this class until 9:10.
I gave him my schedule. If possible, go to the library every Tuesday because I drive to school that day same on Fridays except the 14th. Call me on that day. I can’t go out because of Christmas break. 8:58 AM when did you say your lunch was. Gotta go for now literally.
Grandma’s home thank God I’m not mad about last night. I’m not even upset anymore. Anna always knows how to get me in a happy mood, but you always know how to make me happy. The difference is I’m hiding my true feelings and the other I’m happy. Sabes qe yo estoy diciendo (you know what I’m saying)— Don’t change ok.
Chemistry we are talking about how police radar cars to see if they are speeding or not. How the radar is so small and we’re going so fast. And can’t look at position or momentum at the same time.
Love Me.
Tonight: well we had a FTA meeting that we didn’t stay for and we went to the library and the bank and as I was going towards where Mikey works, we decided to go around the block and as I was getting back on the highway Mikey and his ride went by (at that time I didn’t know for sure if it was him) we met up with that red car and I and Caroline thought it looked like him and I promised myself to find out. I told Mikey to go to the library and us girls went to a couple stores. I was getting so mad, because it was taking so long to get over to the library. When we finally got there he was there and the girls waited outside for a while. He gave my poem back to me. And I gave him my letter. We talked about last night. He said that his wife was out with a friend and he didn’t want to take any chances. He asked where we went and I told him to the gas station and city park and I didn’t tell him about driving around his house for 30 minutes before I took Anna home, but it’s in the letter.
He had me read this postcard that he got from a doctor. Mikey said he sent for information on his family tree. This guy wrote that he was given that name. Weird. Later I told him that I didn’t understand why he would write that on a postcard. Mikey said “for everybody to read”. I told him about my car dying too. He made the comment “you have the whole school knowing”. I laughed, trying not to show that his voice made me nervous. I don’t know how to explain it but his voice sounded like he was mad. I wanted to throw up with the way he said those words, “YOU HAVE THE WHOLE SCHOOL KNOWING.”
When the girls came in we were so hyper and so we were laughing so loud and he said that we better go and I said maybe. I told him that Aubree gave me some advice that I haven’t used yet. He asked if I was and I said not yet he said not yet, what was it? and I kept shaking my head and he kept saying “tell me”. And I said I’ll write to you and tell you. He said OK. Aubree asked if I showed him the condom yet and I said no and for her to go get it. Caroline got my wallet and he was standing by his chair and I told him to sit down and I told him I was going to show him a clue on her advice and I showed him, he said “tell me more” with a grin on his face. He also asked if it was mine and I told him it was now because a friend gave it to me for a joke.
I also asked about his ride and he told me someone from Tuscumbia and I said who he said his name. And I said “shit”. I told him about McDonald’s and how mad I was and I told him to go to Walmart and he said he had to pick up something from the dry cleaners and I said I had to take Caroline home. So we left and Anna realized that she had to change her shirt. We went by a police car and I was so hyper and jumpy I stopped at the stop sign and started to go realize he was there and slammed on my brakes and said I had to calm down. We went by the library as he was leaving and he waved as we turned around. We were going back towards Anna’s house and we saw him going across that way.
We got to Walmart and Aubree saying yes moving her hand and she realized he was coming towards us. We started laughing and we went in and got my money for the oil and saw him come in and I followed him to the magazines and Caroline said “hi, Mikey”. I turned to her and said “don’t ever call him that again in public OK”. And then I pointed to a book and said buy me that one and he showed me the book he was looking at and it was the same one. (I Hate You–Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality) I told him to go to the oil and I stopped and talk to Caroline and Aubree and they were talking about how I hit her which I didn’t and I told them not to call him by Mikey in public and he saw me.
When I got back to the oil he said did you get everything worked out. I said yeah. Then we looked at tools but first while I was getting the oil he dropped his money and I asked for some he smiled and said with all that and I said that’s for the games. And he gave me $1.55 and as we walked away I asked for one of his pens he gave me (the one I’m writing with) it’s brown he said it writes blue. I said that’s OK.
We were looking at the tools and talking about the person who gives him his rides to and from work when a worker asked what he was up to and they started talking and I left. I saw him walk out the front doors and I smiled.
We brought our stuff and got to where my dad works five minutes late. Mom was a little mad, but not too much. I was more scared than I needed to be, but for now I have to get on time. I asked the girls why I always messed up and Aubree said, “because you’re in love and you do stupid things”. But I’m glad you blame it on love, I blame it on my own stupidity and I was still happy. I didn’t get grounded at all this time.
Man, I miss Mikey so much and I have to remember his nickname is kiddy now. I’m glad he always knows what to say. He had a good explanation like I told you he would. He’s supposed to call and maybe come over. I realized what it sounded like in Walmart. I told Aubree about showing him the condom and then inviting him to my house. She smiled and said “well, he’s going to be expecting a lot from you”. Man I hope not too much, because I won’t go too far yet. It’s been 17 years and “I’ve never said yes yet and I won’t for a while”. Anyway, I love Mikey.
Caroline’s sister called me and we talked about her friend being Mikey’s ride, and everything else about how I was confused and her friend had a girlfriend. And how I told Heather that I couldn’t break it off cold turkey but had to drop it off little by little and she said “then do it that way”.
We talked about how hard it is to let go of someone as understanding as him. And I said Heather also told me if he’s as understanding as I say he is then I could talk to him about my confusion and Caroline’s sister said “Heather’s right you know”. And I said “yeah but I’m so scared”. She said, “but the worst thing that could happen is he wouldn’t understand”. And I said “yeah because if he left then I would know he never really cared”. She agreed. We talked about Elizabeth, too. I love Mikey and I think she realizes that, I wish I could get over him. I have to write him a letter.
Kiddy,
Well, I’m writing you this letter using the only pen that means anything to me, yes, it’s yours. I have something I need to talk to you about, but I don’t know how to bring it up or how you would take it. I’m a little nervous to bring it up. I hope when and if I do you understand.
My friends say that if you’re as understanding as I say you are then I should be able to talk about this problem but I just don’t want to take the chance and a letter isn’t the answer even though I write better than talk about this. And no it’s not sex.
Anyway, on the guy who gives you rides -the night I met him Caroline and I went home and Caroline (her sister was the one trying to get me set up with him) said, wouldn’t it be funny if Mikey and him started talking about a 17 year old girl one day and never realize it’s the same one. That’s how I got your made up name. I never thought this world was small enough for him to be your ride until tonight.
His little boy, Ethan, was so funny that night. And 12/3/93, it was before I had as strong of feelings for you as I do right now or I probably wouldn’t have gone along with meeting him. Small world, small county and last but not least small town.
Now I guess you want me to write to you about Aubree the reason I promise to write you right. I’m not for sure how to put all of this into words but I will promise you that she got me so confused that night. We’ve been friends from kindergarten to now and she knows my beliefs on everything, especially sex before marriage. It was December 14, 1993 Aubree saw you for the first time and I got so happy. it was the first time she ever saw me that happy she said. And I said “Mikey always does that”. And she yelled “that’s Mikey”. I said “shoot”. Then I smiled again and she said, “if he makes you that happy why don’t you have sex with him. It’s better to find out if you are going to have a good sex life before a couple gets married”. I got so confused after that and I kept wanting to know if she was joking. On 1-4-94, I asked her for advice on having sex because I found out I would have to be 18 before statutory rape charges couldn’t go on you and she told me to wait a year. The same person that a little less than a month ago was saying to have sex with you. She has made me so confused but so have you so nothing against her.
That’s what I really want to talk to you about confusion I came up with the answer that if and only if I decided to go all the way one of these days before I’m 18 that it takes two and then I wouldn’t be the only one to blame if the charge did come against you, and if we ever got caught I wouldn’t put it past my mom, whether I love you or not. I was so afraid for you because who knows what we’ll end up doing and I don’t want you to get in any trouble. And that you are old enough to decide whether or not you want to take that chance. I also realize that if you are fixed and we don’t have anything to worry about, unless they catch us in the act, because if there’s no baby then they can’t prove it was you and I would cover for you and deny it was you. The only way I wouldn’t is a whole different story because it would be considered date rape. And I seriously doubt that will ever happen, only because I trust you with all my heart and my only Life. I trust you, don’t ever take that away from me please because I don’t know if I would ever trust anyone ever again if you did.
Lots of feelings to solve through and sometimes I just rattle on and on and you can read them but make sure you throw them away. And please WMBS or tell me you don’t want to OK in my planner.
My wrist is hurting me. I sprung it in my freshman year playing volleyball and I’ve had trouble from it ever since, especially if I write for a long time. I was late getting home, but I didn’t get into too much trouble. Mom and I yelled a little but not as much as if she ever found out about you. I think I would move out before I was killed. Even if I had no place to go. Which I would Anna‘s house is always open for me, especially if that ever happened because mom would probably kick me out or make me stop seeing you and nobody and I mean nobody but myself and you will ever do that. Of course I don’t know which would be harder to get along with if my parents found out or Anna‘s mom. I really don’t want to think about either one right now, because it’s making me sad and I was happy when I started this letter a little over five pages ago.
9:11. And still thinking about you of course I do that anyway all night long. I have dreams about you and you are even in some of my nightmares, but you know what, you are always the one saving me from the problem.
Anyway. Like I told you I have 420 pages to read in eight days, that’s 53 every day and what about my Sundays like the 17th I’ll make up on the 14th since I’m home all day long. In fact I’ll try to read all that time that I was supposed to be out from 4:00 to 1:00AM nine hours. I could almost finish it If I did that.
The 18th I’ll drive to school too. The next day I drive is on the 17th, I can’t wait. Remember I love your touch. I also talked about how I hate weekends so call if he could. Told him if he comes to my house I wouldn’t mind if he held me tenderly. I love the little hand writing of yours I’ve seen. Love me. WBS.
07/20/2021 — As I read this again, I started to blame myself again. I mean I told him that I loved his touch, but the truth is, it is still his fault he was the adult and he should have stopped it right then. Also even if I gave permission to touch me in this letter, it did not give him the right to keep going when I told him to stop. I cried when I read the part when I told him
“The only way I wouldn’t is a whole different story because it would be considered date rape. And I seriously doubt that will ever happen, only because I trust you with all my heart and my only Life. I trust you, don’t ever take that away from me please because I don’t know if I would ever trust anyone ever again if you did.”
At this point in the relationship, I honestly thought he would never hurt me. I blamed my past anytime I started thinking something wasn’t right. I wish I knew to believe my instincts and to truly listen to them – it would have stopped so much pain that he has caused. I wish I trusted the right people, who would have helped me when it all started to become violent, but I felt like I had no one. I had told so many people about the conversations this 45 year old was having with me, I told them the feelings I had for him, and yet no one stopped it. As if it was perfectly normal for a 16 (now 17) year old to have this kind of relationship with a 45 year old. I want to scream and cry, but yet I know there is no going back to stop the pain and the fair he caused so long ago. However, what I can do is help others so they don’t go through it or can be educated so they can stop it from happening to someone. I don’t blame myself if he went on and hurt others after I left my hometown, nor should I blame myself. The blame for that goes on the chief of police when he said, “I’m tired of you trying to cause trouble for my officers. You are leaving for college soon. Why don’t you just focus on that and keep your mouth shut, so I don’t have to arrest you for assaulting one of my officers.” After hearing those words, I knew I had nowhere to turn. Anyway, getting a head of the story here. I am just really mad at the fact that no one helped me. I sometimes say, but if they didn’t know I needed help, how could they, but the more I think of this I get more upset because the truth is I told people, who all should have known something wasn’t right and put a stop to it. If one of the many adults I went to would have gone to my parents or the chief for those of them who knew he was a police officer when I was 16, then things would have been different or at least I would hope so. Who knows how mad he would have been at me for telling adults in the first place. I know later on (August 1994) when Anna’s mom did find out she blamed me for being stupid in getting involved with a married man. She went off on Mikey, too, but wouldn’t it have been a lot better for her to help me through losing someone I had thought cared and loved me. She should have been there for me not to treat me like I was the one to blame. I was 17 when she found out, I wonder what she thought when she finally found out that Mikey had started touching me when I was 16. The way she treated me just made it impossible to go to her or anyone when I needed too. She made it clear that the “relationship” had to stop or she would make sure it did. However, all she would have had to do was open her eyes and know Mikey didn’t stop doing what he did best, making sure I felt like he loved me and cared so much about me, at the same time getting more forceful and threatening. He was so mad that I had told so many people that Anna’s mom found out in the first place, and made me promise not to tell anyone anymore because we could get in a lot of trouble if the wrong person found out. He wanted me to burn my journals so no one could get a hold of them, and even wanted me to tell people that I had made up the whole story. Luckily, I never burnt the journal because now almost 28 years after meeting Mikey I have the truth of everything that happened, and a voice that was forced to keep quiet for way too long. IT”S NOT MY SECRET TO KEEP, EITHER.
Stop Police Sexual Violence 