January 6, 1994

Mikey,

I hope you go to the library today. I want to see you so badly. I forgot to tell you to go so hopefully you go there on your own. This is just a suggestion but maybe you would feel more comfortable if you would pick me up sometime. (We would have to plan it) then I could call at 3:45 and say I’m home. Go somewhere and just stay in your car and you can take me home at five so I’m for sure home by the time mom gets there. It’s up to you on how we get together at my place, your car, my car what night. As long as, you know who and my dad are working and no I’m not mad that you couldn’t make it last night, but I was looking forward to seeing you again, like you said there’s always another day. Hope your knee is feeling better soon and be careful. 

We’ve talked for four hours and 40 minutes so far. Most 45 minutes December 6, 1993. Well I have finals second and sixth hours today — first, third, and fifth tomorrow I have my meeting third hour. I do blame you for me being happy most of the time but if I was you, I wouldn’t mind it at least you’re getting blamed for something positive. We have a new rule at home: if you can’t say anything positive don’t say anything at all. (I explained what my mom does on always nag nag nag.) And about Charlotte leaving some things she needed and hopefully doesn’t get in trouble.

Love me.

P. S. I don’t know how you’ll react to this but I’m going to write it anyway “I love you beyond the reason of a doubt”.

Another page to the letter:

Thursday Anna and I will be there and on Friday Anna, Aubree, and I will be there I hope you will be there did you know I haven’t had a “Double T” since December 21, 1993 so I don’t always need them but if I get really nervous or depressed or extremely happy I need one and that’s only if I can, because I only have one when my family isn’t with me because my parents don’t know I even smoke them a little bit. I went months without them, but then I’ll take one and go with them. But after I finish this pack I’m not getting any more. The last time I said that I went a month and four days. First time was in freshman year I started for Kansas Boy and later he and his friend told me to quit freshman to November 3, 1992, October 1, 1993 to November 3, 1993, December 7, 1993 to December 21, 1993 — I went almost a year but then homecoming night came and I was so upset because of what a couple of guys Caroline’s sister knew did. They were the cause of me getting so down and depressed, but luckily you came along. I’m thinking about just throwing them away and not starting up again, but then again I might keep them until I need one. It’s been two weeks and I haven’t even wanted one. Love you and I have to go, my American history final is done. I don’t think I did too well, but I didn’t study at all. The score 60% D minus glad it wasn’t against me.

Dad is going to a city about 3 hours away from us and he was in another state last night when he called – I don’t know if he’s coming home or not. I hope he is for the weekend. I get along with him better than my mom. That’s why I like it when he’s home. I trust him more than mom, too. (I told him that dad knows things mom doesn’t, but not about him and that dad knows about my flashbacks somewhat.) Dad told me that he would rather me wait until I’m older, but he said if I think it’s the right time to make sure that I use condoms. He told me he didn’t want me to get pregnant but he was more afraid of aids. He said he loved me and for the first time I believed him. If mom found out there would be a fight. I’ve always been able to talk to him better than her, so why do I trust women better than men, when I don’t even trust my mom. I never understood that. My dad and I have our ups and downs but not as much as mom and I. My dad always (most always) holds up for me. (Explained some of the stuff mom does and how dad sticks up for me.) I talked about how I’ve lost 20 pounds and why I’m doing it. For me and to prove mom wrong. I try to ignore her but it’s hard. I mean I’m used to my classmates doing it and I can ignore them, but when it comes to an adult it hurts so much more than a classmate. All my life it’s been negative even some of my friends are like that, but then I met you and this might sound stupid but it’s my feelings when I met you it’s so strange because you never have a negative thing to tell me. I’ve never been around someone like that, that I also care about this deeply. I mean I’ve had friends but you were different. I’m talking about boyfriends. Yes, even they found negatives. I got to the point where I was wondering if I had any positives, but I met this wonderful trusting, caring, lovable, and listening person. Thanks a lot. Got to go. It’s 10 pages long. Is it long enough for you yet? Love me.

What a day?!? First of all, I couldn’t get my mind off Mikey. Everything I thought about led to him. Seventh hour Anna, Me, Aubree, and a few other classmates were at the school library. We talked and I left Anna and my stuff alone. And boys from our grade got a hold of one of my letters to Mikey. I got so mad I almost hit them, but instead I went over to Anna and said “I’m going to kill someone” and threw her coat and the librarian was like “JayCee, calm down”. Then I told Anna what happened and one of our classmates was like “are you going to be OK. What happened.” I was crying during this time and the librarian came over and asked “what happened and if everything was going to be OK at this point”. And I just started crying again. And Anna made up the story about my uncle and the librarian kicked him out. One of the boys came over and I made a mistake and yelled at him. I later apologized to both him and the librarian. 

We (Anna and I) drove around till 430 went home and brought wood in. We found out Scott worked (his car was there) and we also saw him. We went out by where Mikey worked and waited for Mikey. We were going by when his ride and him came out. Carla saw him so I turned around and I got to see him carrying a newspaper. I was so happy. We yelled a lot that night. We drove by his house a lot that night. And followed Scott around a lot, after we left Anna’s house at 5:30.

We stayed out in the snow driving around until seven that’s when my brother saw us. We went to the game and we called my mom and she told us that if it’s OK with Anna’s mom I could spend the night. Then we left and parked at the police station from 7:25 to 823PM watched Scott a lot and you know what he’s not as bad looking as I thought the first time I saw him. We talked about Mikey a lot and Scott how they make us so happy even if it’s just to see their car or house.

Then they went and stopped to get the scraper out of Scott‘s car and Anna had a cow. She watched him and then we followed them, lost them, found them, followed them. That was the pattern of the night. We left a note in his car and we went around the block twice and he came out going to his car and he got in. Anna’s like “oh my God he would have had to get it” and then when he was in the car we drove real slow when we went by and we tried to follow him when he left, but lost him. 

We got to Anna‘s at 9:02 and called mom at 9:15. Anna’s mom told us she would rather I go home, and she had the idea of following us home. It wasn’t as bad as my brother told mom it was. Anna’s mom told my mom that she had nothing to worry about and that I was good at driving on this stuff. At first I was a little too cautious and that would cause a wreck. But she reassured her that I would be fine. That helped me. At first she got on to us for not coming home when we realized it was snowing and we told her that everybody was telling us it wasn’t bad out and we couldn’t see out any windows. It worked, but she said “it started snowing at 6 PM” and we said “we were setting up the concession stand at 5:35 PM remember.” Man, we’re getting too good at covering up our nights. Too good at lying to everybody especially after 11-20-93.

Today I gave him my phone number again. Man, I wish he would call tonight. It’s so boring at home on weekends. Too boring if you ask me. Of course if and only if I have to stay home tonight I’ll probably stay in my room – with my radio on and reading, thinking, and sleeping. I miss my Mikey so much. “Mikey please call tonight even though you usually don’t.”

While Anna and I were outside driving around we kept singing “Can it be, yep, yep. Can it be, nope, nope.” One time we went out by Mikey’s house and he was gone. We were on “Can it be, yep, yep.” I kept saying yep, yep. We looked at the library and he wasn’t there. So we went to the store and his car was there, but it wasn’t him, it was his oldest daughter. But I didn’t get depressed, I just wished it was him. I miss him so much when he’s away. He means more to me than life itself. He means the world to me, and I really don’t know what I would do if he and I get caught or break up because he means so much to me. Maybe it’s too much, but I do know one thing: I love that boy with all my heart plus more. And miss him that same amount when he’s away. I love him, too much maybe I just don’t know.