December 16, 1993
What all happened? First of all I backed up and couldn’t go anywhere, I went over a log. Then I finally got to school at 8:10 AM. After school we went to Anna’s house and I got a flat and Anna’s Mom was in a bitchy mood. Went over to Anna’s Grandma and called Mikey to tell him I would be late 4:30 or so. He said “OK Anna, so you don’t need me to pick you up.” That’s when I said around 430. Anna’s Mom made us change the tire by ourselves. We did it, but it took about an hour. We got to the park at 4:45 and he wasn’t there, so we decided to drive by his house, but before we could even get off The City Park highway, we passed him, I met him with a cigarette in my mouth saying will be back. So we (Anna and I) turned around. We talked about how his wife got onto us and he said “I already know” to Anna and then he told us that it was a hoax because they would’ve already known it was me by now. We also talked about how I’m talking more like Mikey every day. I’ve been saying you know what I’m saying all the time. He gave me two dollars and we also talked about home games. And I told Mikey that I understand why you called her big mouth —she wouldn’t shut up — then she said something and he started acting like he was going to strangle her and I hit him on his hand (it hurt). We also talked about me calling and him calling me Anna. He told Anna that she had to act like she needed a ride home from school. And for me when I called to say that I’m Anna. I’ve always wanted to know what to say when they ask who I am. Now I know, I just hope they don’t ask questions I don’t know the answer to. But I know Anna pretty well, so 9 chances out of 10 I’ll know the answers. We talked about Anna moving out, our singing at church, me not having to be home until 10 PM. I told him he didn’t see anything and pointed at the cigarette. And he said see what. Later on Anna said something about “my cigarette” and Mikey said “Yours” she changed it to “JayCee’s” real fast. Then he said no they’re yours. Anna told him not to tell anyone, and he said he wouldn’t. We asked him if he had the tire back on right because we had to learn how to do it by ourselves. I knew the basic, but it was the first one I changed without dad being there to make sure I did it right. He said that we did and that he went by Anna‘s house first, I guess I told him where we were. We made plans for Friday, we met at the library at 4:30 and I’m going to get there sooner if possible so who knows what else we’ll do he knows I don’t have to be home until 10 PM. I hope he realizes that I won’t go all the way not yet anyway, but a kiss would be nice. Anna talks so much, but that’s OK because Mikey and I are going to be together tonight alone and it will be only me and him talking for sure.
I got “the tablet” out to show him how long it was and he said all of it’s about me. I said yes and Anna said she reads it and I said you’ve only read two pages of it. She said “yeah she keeps track of everything” and she read what money he’s given to me and what I spent it on. He asked about the memory box and I told him that I have a money memory box that I put money in and Anna said “yeah and then she spends it and the cashier asked who’s Mikey and we say that it was on it when we got the dollar he laughed at us and Carla turned to where I kept track of the phone calls and read them off and he asked about the one at eight and I told him. He said “oh yeah.” Then he said that it gets expensive since I called from out of town and I asked when he called me from out of town and he said remember what you told your mom. “Oh yeah I didn’t understand what you were getting at.” He started laughing. I also showed him both of the pictures and told him about the one I have saved back for him. That he would never get. He said that’s kind of understandable. Anna asked why all the pictures had him with glasses on when he doesn’t even wear them. I said maybe it’s because he should. Mikey said that he needs them, so he could read better, and then Anna handed it to Mikey and I pulled it out of Mikey’s hands and said, “not yet.” It made me nervous when she was acting that way. I don’t want him to read this. I’m not for sure if nervous was the word to describe it. I was getting upset with Anna. Finally everything about him and the tablet was changed off the subject. When we were talking about beards he asked me if I didn’t like whisker burns and I just stared and Anna (helping me out) said I know I don’t and Mikey and I looked at her and she said my dad gave me one. Then Mikey kept pushing himself onto my shoulder, (I wanted to do something that night all day and when he actually started coming towards me I got so nervous my stomach felt like it was going to explode.) I said “quit it” then “stop it” with a tear waiting and he said “you really don’t like that do you.” I looked away and didn’t say anything. He’ll probably ask about it tomorrow.
It was 5:30 PM when he said that he had to go to Walmart and work on his car. We reminded each other about the “date” we have for tomorrow and then he left and I left. Our song “I need some TLCASAP” was on. Isn’t that neat? Then we followed him to the gas station and I went to get some gas and forgot which car I had and had to turn around to get it. So we talked a little more and he paid me two more dollars while Anna was paying our two dollars of gas. Like normal I put a dollar back in the memory box and then a dollar for the tire. We were going to meet again at Walmart, but by the time we got back there from getting the tire fixed he was gone. We went by his house and then went to Anna’s dad’s house and out by Scott’s and then to Angie’s and got back in time. We were 15 minutes late, but they hadn’t left yet.
06/07/2021 — When someone is grooming someone to be the victim, they encourage little touches to get the person used to them touching them. He would try to do little “Innocent” touches each time we met. Later and before I turned 17, he told me exactly what the touches were for, but again I never saw the red flags until afterwards and I started reflecting on what had happened during this time frame. I wish I would have noticed all these before “I fell in love with him”; needless to say, at the time I really did think he loved me as much as I loved him, but after experiencing true love I now know that what I loved was feeling like someone cared, having someone who listened, and having someone who made me feel wanted and like I belonged in a world where I didn’t. Below is the article on the grouping steps and how he went through the last three stages.
Social Responsibility: Six Stages of Sexual Grooming – signs to watch for, report abuse
4. Isolating
The groomer actively tries to isolate the child from people who may be watchful or helpful. This kind of isolation creates deeper connection & dependency. The offender also exhibits exemplary behavior before parents of the victim & manipulates them into trusting the relationship.
5. Sexualizing or Desensitizing to Touch
This is the stage before the actual abuse. The abuser increases non-sexual touching that will prepare the child for abuse. This may include hugs, snuggles and tickling. The offender creates situations with nudity involved (swimming, massages, watching pornography) where the adult exploits the child’s natural curiosity and uses sexual stimulation to excite the child and advance abuse.
6. Secrecy & Maintaining Control
The offender uses emotional blackmail and blame to continue to be sexual and maintain secrecy of the relationship. They warn the victim that no one will believe them if they open up or that he/she was the one to “start it”.
Needless to say, Mikey was already trying to get me to be alone and stop hanging out with different friends because he was afraid they would tell on us. He started non-sexual touching and made me feel like it was my fault when I got nervous and that I should be able to trust him because he would never hurt me. He would get mad when he found out different friends knew about our “relationship” . The secrecy and control only got worse as I got older.
December 17, 1993
We met at the library at 4:30 and we talked a little bit. He asked me if anything was wrong and I told him no. He touched my leg with his foot and I pulled my leg away from him. I was so nervous I wanted to cry. I hope he doesn’t ask me about it as I’m not sure what to say — would it scare him away — I love talking with him so much I don’t want to ever lose that. We left at five and when we were going out he held the door for me. He said that it was so quiet there. I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable there. He said he understood. I wish we could have talked more. And we made plans to meet at the city park and we didn’t really say a time because he had to go to the doctors. I got there at 5:10 and waited, getting my hopes up every time I saw a car then at 5:30 he actually got there. He asked how long I waited and I lied and said not very long. We talked about what he was going to do that night — shave and go to bed and then we got into a discussion about the divorce. He told me that we were going to have to lay (cool) off on our relationship until the separation and divorce goes through. That he’ll still call, but not every day and we can still talk at ball games, but can’t make plans to meet every day. He told me that his wife believes he’s having an affair with an older woman, and he smiled and said, “but I’m not.” Then we talked a little more and I asked why he was getting a divorce and he said “just a lot of stuff that never got worked out through the years and her thinking I’m messing around, but the main thing I’m working days and she’s working nights we’re just missing each other.” Then I said “oh” he said “Now don’t you go blaming yourself on me.” I told him I wouldn’t. Then it was six and he said he really had to get going. And he said that he will try to call Monday. We also talked about how sometimes I wish my parents would go ahead and get one. He asked if I didn’t get along with my dad. I told him no it’s my mom. I love my dad, but I can’t stand my mom most of the time. He said, I bet that really hurts. I said “especially with Grandma in the hospital.” I’m glad he didn’t ask about me pulling away from him at the library; it just makes it so much easier not to have to explain myself.
I went by Anna‘s house and she wasn’t around so I went to Renee’s. We talked about what I was going through and she kept saying get out that she knew a lot of stuff about it, thanks to her mom. She told me that if it ever got out it would be so embarrassing for me. That his wife would kill me. She also told me that once they’re divorced I can do whatever I want, but for now don’t sneak around and get out. She also told me that it was an evil spirit that got me to fall for him. Renee’s boyfriend also overheard us. So he put his two pieces in on it too. They really helped, but I still miss Mikey so much. He means the world to me and he cares about me. That’s more than I can say about a lot of people (2/18/94 -Renee thinks I broke it off but right now it’s growing and growing stronger.)
When I told Anna about Mikey getting a divorce she stopped in her tracks and almost fainted. But she also believes that it’s not just a promise he won’t fulfill, because he wouldn’t have told me that he had to cut down on our relationship if it was, now would he.
He’s supposed to call me Monday the 20th. I can’t wait, he also said he had to shave he better have, I hate his beard. Someday he’ll understand.
11/07/2003 — Now that time has gone by I don’t think divorce was ever part of the plans. I believe he wanted to cool off the relationship until I turned 17. They have gotten a divorce, but this was after my son was even born.
06/06/2021 — I’m positive it had all to do with my age because after I turned 17 he started touching me even more and doing other things to encourage the relationship to head in that direction. I wish I knew what I know now back then, but hopefully my experience will stop others from having to experience it. At least then I will know the purpose of me going through it.
December 18, 1993
It started out with my parents fighting and all that stuff, then we went up to the hospital and Grandma‘s doing better. She can set up, stand up – with help, and feed herself. That’s something to look forward to for Christmas, at least New Years.
We got home at 4:30 and I picked Morgan up at 5 PM. Boy was it the funnest day of my life. I’ll put details in later so you’ll understand.
See, I would never have done all of this if I wouldn’t have met Mikey. He’s making me not hate police officers so much. I love him so much for being in my life.
Morgan and I went by Mikey’s house and over our hill then went back by Mikey’s house and he was gone so we looked around for him. We went to the city park and guess what song came on. Yes, “I need some TLCASAP”
Then we went to Anna‘s and picked her up. We left her house at 7:30 and didn’t get back until 9 PM. It was so fun. What did we do? We jumped the hills and followed police officers all night long. We also went to McDonald’s and ate. We were laughing all the time.
While we were following the police we almost hit the one. We were going down block after block and the cop had stopped to turn off all its lights and we stopped the car about a foot before hitting the back of the cop car. We kept going by it while it was stopped on the one street – we lost them after an hour of following them.
We turned off our lights then they turned their lights off then we turned ours on and they turned theirs on. Weird.
We (Morgan and I) followed one while Anna was in Breaktime. We went block after block and finally we got back to Breaktime. We dropped Anna off and then we tried to get to the police station. We picked up Kansas Boy and he just kept saying no don’t follow them. So we found one and we followed it then another one got in front of us and we turned by the second one and lost both of them. Then we went and the one had stopped at a gas station and we went in and got a soda. Then we went back out and we followed some more then decided to go home. And guess where our cops were. Yep, they were at another gas station. I believe it was Officer Johnson, Terry, and Officer Marcel or Leonard (I don’t know all the cops yet, but the more I hang out with Anna and Mikey I’m sure I will figure it out.)
Anyway we (Morgan and I) went inside and we bought some chips. They looked outside and start laughing then I didn’t want to go up to pay for the chips so Morgan took the money and as I was getting more money out Officer Marcel or Leonard took the dollar from Morgan and Morgan took it back and both of us started laughing we went outside and I tripped over the car and then realized I had to go to the restroom, but I was too scared to go in. Morgan made me and we were laughing the whole time. Then as we left I said, “shit I have 10 minutes to get home.” And when we left I almost hit the cop car and we spun out of the parking lot and sped out of town. It’s a miracle that they didn’t follow us then we dropped off Kansas Boy at his friend’s house. What a great, fun and happy night. And no, we didn’t have anything to drink. Home five minutes late didn’t get me in trouble.
6/07/2021 — It’s hard to believe that the very police officer who helped me get over my fears of police turned around and caused me to be afraid of them all over again. Even after all these years, I still have panic attacks when a police officer happens to be going the same way I’m going — I’m getting better at refocusing, regrouping, and going forward remembering that not all police officers are like the ones I dealt with growing up. Some days are harder than others to remember that I can’t blame them all for the few who should have never worn the badge in the first place, but I’m getting better at it.
December 20, 1993
Well, he didn’t call but like we said I can’t get upset because he doesn’t know when he can and when he can’t, same thing with the concert.
I went by his house and he wasn’t home, so I went by the police station and he was there. And I went by twice before I went to Anna’s then by the time we left he was gone. We followed a penny (dirty copper HA! HA!) for a little while and then went to the gym.
Afterwards I met up with Kansas Boy and his friend. We went by our hill and down the dead end road — that’s not a dead end road, but it was fun. I pointed out where Mikey lived and talked about some of the other police. We also followed a police officer for a while until it stopped at Break Time and waited 5 minutes then Kansas Boy’s friend went inside and he waited another 5 minutes. Scary, he was looking right at us – so he left and 30 seconds later Kansas Boy’s friend came out, then I got home 5 minutes early. It was so fun and believe me I wouldn’t have done any of this stuff if Anna and I didn’t have policemen for boyfriends. I will treasure these days for as long as I live. I hope he hurries it up with that divorce because I don’t know if I can wait that long.
06/07/2021 — Amazing how fun it was back then to play Detective (finding the police officers who were working) or following them, and now (of course I’m sure being an adult has part to do with it) I try my hardest not to follow them — I often turn off before I was planning on it just to get away from them. I slow down a little under the speed limit, so they pass me if they happen to be behind me. At night is the worst time for panic attacks — I can’t stand anyone following me at night (especially if I’m alone) and it doesn’t matter if it’s a police officer or not.
December 21, 1993
What a great, fun, and lovely night for me.
Letter to Mikey:
Mikey,
You may or may not realize how much I missed the phone calls and seeing you. I mean I hardly ever got to see you even before last Friday, but when you called and let me hear your voice it made me so happy just to hear your voice.
Most guys don’t understand me as much as you. I miss you so much. I miss everything we’ve done together. This might sound stupid, but thanks to the “tablet” I can remember everything we’ve done together.
I was in a role in Chemistry, but then the bell rang and I had to go to chorus and guess who’s in my class. No less than Anna or should I say Big Mouth, which is not letting me write this letter.
Please try to call whenever possible, because when you call I smile when you don’t I’m sad. I miss you so much, but I do understand what you said Friday on everything, but please try to call me some not every day but every day you can and tell me when you work the city if you know ahead of time.
I’m going out on 27th of December. I’ll probably be leaving at 3 PM and not have to be home until 1:30 AM. Maybe we can do something.
I have Christmas on the 24th at my Mom’s mom’s house and My mom’s grandma will be there the 25th will probably be at the hospital. Yes she’s doing better. Last Saturday she was feeding herself.
I have a homemade Christmas present for you, you will receive at the same time as this letter.
PS see you tonight God I can’t wait I’ve missed you so much. “I need some TLCASAP” is our song OKay. R-N-R for U and Me. Love U know Who.
Why is the only time I get to see the man of my dreams is in the middle of a crowd? Why is it that we hardly ever get to talk? I love it when we talk, I love it when we are together, but the stupid SOB we have for chief of police right now as to be here. I honestly really think that’s why he’s not talking to me, maybe it’s not Timmy. I have an even stronger feeling that it’s Timmy’s wife that’s the reason. Who knows, all I know is I want to talk to him, oh yes just seeing and looking at him made me happy, but being able to talk to him would make me even happier. He’s talking to Mr. Martin right now, but there’s one good thing about tonight is that he’s been looking at me every time I look at him. When we meet Eye 2 Eye he smiles at me. He’s winked at me 10 times, I wonder if he realizes how that makes me. That on top of smiling at me doesn’t help much. Heck, I don’t know if I could say no if he asks right now.
He just doesn’t know how happy and carefree he can make a girl my age or not. I love that boy – too much – maybe. If we could only get together more often and talk more often. He made me smile the whole game. I should say most of the game. I wanted to talk to him more than I got to, but thanks to Timmy he couldn’t. I understand, but I also feel even happier than usual because I caught him looking at me so many times, I couldn’t count them and like I said he always smiled, which made me so happy and special. More details later.
Well the day started out with me picking Caroline, Aubree, and Anna up. We found a police officer and followed him and dropped Caroline and Aubree off at the front of the high school. Anna and I didn’t get parked until 8:17 AM and still had to get to class.
After school I dropped Anna off and Caroline and I went to McDonald’s and the nursing home. Mikey was home every time we went by. I got Caroline home at 4:45 and went to Anna‘s left at 5:30 and went by the police station. His car was there. And I saw him in the window. Anna and I went by the station 21 times before Mikey came out and three of those he was the third time I stopped and Anna asked if he needed a ride he said no my rides right over there. Then I looked up and saw the police car and I said oh, and flew on. Then we turned around and followed it to the school, into the teachers parking lot and I parked. He left and went over to the lunch parking lot and we walked slowly. And finally went inside paying four dollars in nickels and quarters.
Finally he came and he waited in the lobby for a while, so I waited until he looked over at us and we went upstairs, so did he. We talked for a while and Anna and him also talked. “Why did he try calling her house?” Anyway, he asked me about my necklace and I told him and when he picked it up to look at it he left his hands on my chest for 30 seconds to a minute. He also asked if I was going out riding around tomorrow night and I said I can’t then he said then I’ll call you. And I smiled. We talked for a half an hour before he had to go back downstairs. That’s when I told Anna I would buy her popcorn. Even when he was downstairs he had looked at me from the court doors and would smile and wink at me. I love it when he winks. I still get that feeling when I think about it. My feelings are great. Like I said, I love him. My stomach gets all worked up in a positive way.
When I went downstairs, the boys from Chemistry class were there. They kept talking about how Mikey (but using his real name) was my boyfriend and that I was falling for him. I said “he’s a friend I didn’t realize that was a sin”. And “no I’m not drunk”. Then two said “I don’t know about just friends I saw the way he looks at you”. And you talking about someone that was happy. That comment made me so happy I smiled right then and there.
I brought him his Christmas present (cookies) and he thanked me. I also told him there was a letter in there. He took the letter and told me to give him the cookies when he can put them in his coat (downstairs) so when he was downstairs between the bleachers and the wall (close to the girls locker room) looking at me I acted like I was going to throw it and he said “OK” then I went to the railing and threw it down he caught it and winked then we both smiled at each other. He knew how to make me smile at each other.
Then at halftime all the off-duty police officers came out to smoke and Mikey talked to them, but it looked like he wanted to come over to me, but he couldn’t. I understood.
Then they went back inside and I waited a little while. I’m still mad at Timmy because it’s his fault I just know it. It’s easy for me to be mad at Timmy because I can’t stand him – he makes me so nervous. I wish I knew if he was the police officer in 1986, but oh well I might not ever get the answer to what happened that day.
Mikey and I talked about my Grandma and I told him that she’s getting better and feeding herself now. He says but you have to realize that everybody dies sometime and then I told him my biggest fear about Grandma and he told me that it could easily happen.
Later on that night he was looking at me and I told him to come upstairs and he said “OK” so he came up and put his hand on my shoulder said “hi” and then went on. He went downstairs on the other side but I caught him looking at me so many times, that made me so happy. He was talking to Mr. Martin a lot. Maybe I’ll find out what all they talked about tonight when he calls.
He also asked me what else was in the letter (I had told him that it had Christmas plans in it), and Anna and I went outside for a “double T”. Then we came back in and it was halftime then after that we waited on the steps and I went over to talk to Beavis while he was talking to Mikey. Of course Mikey smiled at me and I smiled back then I went back to sit on the stairs and Mikey came over and said I read the last part. And I could feel myself blushing and we both smiled. Before that when he asked me what else was in the letter I told him I didn’t know and he would have to read it to find out.
After the game, he waited for me and I begged him to take a ride from me and he said he couldn’t “I know but I can’t” So I told him to wait and we would follow we got ahead so we waited and then went and waited again until the car made us go. We got to see him walk into the police station. Anna and I went by 24 more times a total of 45 times that night and then we followed him home and I was happy. Guess how old Mikey is?
We (Anna and I) asked Mikey what would happen if we were caught following police officers and he told us nothing, but the officer would ask what and why we were doing it. And we told him about Saturday night and how we almost hit the police car and he told me that I better be happy I stopped. We also told him to guess how many times we went by the station. He guessed 10 times we said too low then he said 40 then We told him 21. So after the game we made it 45 which is how old he is and that’s why we did it. We almost followed a police officer, but then realized Mikey was coming so we could follow him.
06/07/2021 — How could classmates see how he was looking at me, but yet the adults around me never address the problem with it. You can’t tell me that the other police officers and teachers around me didn’t notice if my classmates, who I didn’t talk to much, did. Or maybe my classmates were more observant than the other police officers and teachers in my life — which I don’t think is the case, especially the police officers who were around the situation as much as some of them were. I do believe they knew something was going on — I’m not sure they knew what all was going on or when it turned violent. I was too afraid to ask for help and yet I blamed them for years for not stopping it, the thing I think about now is how would they know they needed to stop it if they didn’t know I needed help. But yet the other police officers saw and heard some of the conversations we had, how the hell does any good police officer not step up and say this is so unprofessional and wrong. I would do whatever it took to stop a relationship like this if I knew about it no 45 year old should ever say and do the things he was doing with a 16 year old, especially since the 45 year old wore a badge. It should be common since if one is supposed to be protecting people from criminals, that they shouldn’t be one. Also some of the adults in my life knew and still did nothing to stop it. When my classmates pointed it out, I was at this basketball game and I was only 16 years old!
December 22, 1993
He called at 4:20 PM and we talked. He always asked “are you OK” always. And today I could honestly say I was happy he asked why and I told him last night and he said but we didn’t get to do much I said I know but just being there made me happy. And I told him how I got mad at Timmy. Told him about my brother being there. I also told him that we went by 45 times and he asked why we didn’t stop and I told him I didn’t want to get him in trouble. He also told me that he thought I would want to talk more and I told him I did. We talked about Christmas break and plans and I told him we would have to plan on a daily basis. I told him more details about Saturday and he reassured me that they wouldn’t have done anything and when I told him that the police started following us he said “and probably ran your plates.” We also talked about my wreck and how I fell in love with speeding. And he told me speeding can end in death and he told me to be careful. I told him my average on the curving highway near us, which is 75 to 80, he told me to be careful again. And I told him I will. It’s funny but it sounded like he cared not just a police officer. We talked about the dead end road by his house that’s a jungle and he asked me what kind of fun I had down there and I told him just driving around. He kept bringing up TLCASAP and what it really meant and I didn’t know what to say. He asked me if I was going to write to him again and I said what do you want me to write about. He said what TLCASAP really stands for and what I mean by it. I said I can’t put that in writing he said OK then he started to (well this and that) that’s when I told him to spit it out. He said “you have to make the first move.” I said “I wouldn’t know the first step” he said “to making the first move.” I said “yes.” He said “well I’ve tried to lean on you and touch you and you back off.” I told him and that’s been awhile, unless you’re talking about when you had the beard, and he said yes and I said I get nervous around my own dad when he has a beard. I hate beards, it wasn’t you. He said thanks for telling me that and thanked me for telling him that he makes me happy. And that I was probably ready to explode right now. I didn’t quite understand and when I emphasized that he made me happy he said good because I don’t think you’ve been happy for quite a while or felt welcome and I told him he was right and that sometimes I feel like I’m an outcast in my own family. He told me so did he, but he’s still a citizen and we are welcome. I smiled, he always makes me smile, it’s my fucking family that makes me cry. When will I ever get to go away, sometimes I wonder if they would even miss me if I killed myself. But I know Mikey would and even if he would be the only one that cares then I have someone that cares, but I can almost guarantee that my mother does not care about me, enough on that bitch. We made plans to meet at the library and stuff like that. I thought mom would let me. Why is she being such a bitch and how am I going to tell him otherwise. Please God let mom change her mind. I know this relationship is wrong but it’s not my fault he’s the only guy (person) that makes me happy like he does. We talked about TLCASAP a lot of the time and he told me that he would do some things. I said OK but if I back off (he said I know) and I went to finish the sentence remember it’s not your fault. He said OK. Then I said it’s just male figures. He asked if I’ve tried working on that and I said I’ve tried he said and you’re trusting. I don’t think I even said anything. I told him that he was the only police officer I trusted and he said “and how are you around me now?” that’s when I said that he was the only one I trusted. I told him that not trusting was the reason why I can’t believe I did all this and that’s when he asked me how I was with him. I asked about him driving to work and he has a ride we are going to call Anna BM in my letters, which I was planning on writing one today or tomorrow, but heck he’s leaving town and won’t be back until Monday the 27th, so what’s the point unless I can talk mom into letting me go after school tomorrow. I told him about my parents telling me to invite him to Christmas dinner and prom and he said “negative”. I also told him that his birthday was December 15 and he turned 18. And I told him his real birthdate and said I memorize these facts he said that’s good. We talked about how I can’t talk to my parents about being adopted and I told him I put it behind me for a while. He said that’s probably for the best. He makes me so happy God does he do that. He’s one of the very few that can do that he also told me what he told Mr. Martin, which is that it was a close game and that it was Timmy’s fault that he didn’t talk to me much. Timmy likes for him to move around a lot. Maybe the next time Timmy won’t be there. We got off the phone at five till five and that’s after him saying I have to go three times. He didn’t want to go anymore than I wanted to let him go. Anyway, I have homework and a bitchy mother to look forward to tonight. I love Mikey so much and he makes me happy, smile, laugh, and enjoyable. I’m glad he listens as well as he does, because if I didn’t have him I would be depressed even more than I usually am, and I would have killed myself by now. He makes me happy and I couldn’t say I was happy for a very long time. He told me he still has to fill out the planner and I told him yeah because I need to put in my plans and then I told him that my mom got me one and now I have to put the one in a safe place so I don’t leave the wrong one out in the open. He said yes you better do that. Then I told him that one of the good things about my parents was that they don’t read my stuff. You know he does talk like a boyfriend because when I talk about another boy that was with me he always wants to know what we did, which I don’t mind. He asked about Angie and I said she’s on homebound for her pregnancy. He asked how far along she was and I said she’s due late January early February. That’s when he said well I don’t have to worry about getting a girl pregnant because I took care of that a long time ago. Then he asked if he was making me embarrassed and I told him no. Actually, it was making me happy, just being able to talk to him. Of course, I couldn’t tell him that. Please let mom change her mind. I got to see him again and he’ll be out of town for the holidays so I won’t even get to hear his voice for a while. Please change your mind mom.
Dear Mikey, you told me to write to you. I’m not for sure how to start or finish this letter or if it’s just going to be one of those that stay in my tablet that I chicken out on giving you. But I’ll try to write some of my feelings. Yes there’s a meaning other than hearing TLCASAP every time we leave the city park, but it’s hard for me to explain. To tell you the truth, which to me is a big part of a relationship. Truth, trust, and honesty all three have to be there. Being able to talk to each other is another. So, to tell you the truth I’ve never had a real boyfriend that has ever really cared for me. I always (I’m not for sure of the words but this is what I’m going to use) scare them away. I never let them “touch” me. I always back away. I mean never even let them put their arms around me without getting really nervous. That’s probably why I didn’t….
——— 06/07/2021——I have misplaced the rest of this letter and pages 129 to 188 in my journal— I will add it to my story when and if I locate them. I have moved 10 times since moving out of my parents house so there is always the chance that I lost them.
06/07/2021 – So when I was still 16 years old, he was telling me how he was trying to make the first moves. He told me straight out that he had made first moves and that I would back away or get nervous around him. He knew I wasn’t anywhere near ready to make the next step in the friendship, if he observed the fear, the moving back and getting nervous when he touched me then he knew exactly what he was doing from the beginning on getting me to slowly get used to him touching me so he could get more. He knew I looked up to his friendship, him listening to me, and making me feel like someone cared. The way I would respond with the “it’s not you it’s me” attitude gave him the all clear and he didn’t care that I was still processing things from my past. The more he learned about my past the more he used my past against me! At this point in time, I still felt like it was my fault— I mean I trusted him to tell him stuff from my past, but yet I didn’t trust him to touch me — so I blamed my past and that it must have been me. Please remember to listen to yourself — if you get nervous like this around someone you need to explore the reasons why and not just assume it’s you — because it can be a major red flag. Listen to yourself — you’re smarter than you think.
After you read the almost 3 months of the “relationship” while I was 16 years old you have seen all 6 stages of grooming, which just gets stronger and harder to deal with as I get older. Please read the entire Article on Grooming at Social Responsibility: Six Stages of Sexual Grooming – signs to watch for, report abuse also read the following article on why it was not an Affair at Why It’s Not an Affair by Rev. Patricia L. Liberty
Stop Police Sexual Violence 