December 1, 1993
I’ve known Mikey for 2 months now. Of course when I first met him all I thought about him was he was another one of those SOBs, because of him being a police officer. If you know me I don’t like them, but I’m so glad I’m getting to know him anyway.
I tried to call him today, before school I guess he was asleep. (12/29/93 – He was probably at work. He leaves at 7:00am and sometimes 6:00am) God, I miss him so much. I just can’t wait until I hear his voice again. I’m going to try to call him at lunch today. Hopefully, I get him, I’m going to tell him to call me at 4:05 PM and not a minute after. No, I’m going to tell him to call me, because I need to talk to him or something like that.
Anna and I talked about him all of fourth hour and I got so happy. I guess what I’m saying is that if I saw him right now I don’t know if I could say no.
This might be a sin, and I feel guilty about it, but it’s the truth I love him. I love Mikey. I love him so much, somebody help me get out of this, please.
06/02/2021 — even before anything happened I was asking for help, but didn’t know who to go to. Help because even though at the time I thought it was love and that he cared for me, I knew the relationship was heading in the wrong direction and didn’t know how to get out of it. However, the police officer was the adult and should have kept the relationship professional and not have allowed it to turn in this direction. I was only 16 at the time.
What’s Love — (Written December 2, 1993)
What’s love
is it the feeling I have for you or is it the feeling I had for Kansas Boy
Sometimes I wonder because they are totally two different feelings.
What’s love
is it countless mistakes or is it mistakes of countless
Sometimes I wonder because I’m making a lot of mistakes this time.
What’s love
is it feeling for someone other than friendship or is it a little more than just that
Sometimes I wonder because this feeling I have for you is a lot stronger than a friendship.
What’s love
is it happiness or is it confusing
Sometimes I wonder if it can’t be both because when I’m with you I’m happy and when I’m away I’m confused.
What’s love
is it the feeling of friendship and more than just friends or is it more like no friendship just love
Sometimes I wonder because we have a friendship with a lot of love mixed into it.
What’s love
is it tender at the heart or confusing in the head
Sometimes I wonder if it’s not both because you are tender to my heart, but confusing to my head.
What’s love
it’s the feeling I have been trying to explain, get unconfused about, and get over.
What’s love
it’s the feeling I just don’t understand, but I know I have it for you, that’s the scary part of it.
Dedicated: Mikey
P.S I love him so much, that’s the truth and that’s scary.
Mikey called at 3:50pm. He asked if I called last night and I thought and said no, but I think I did. I’m still not sure. He asked about school and I said getting by. “That’s all”. Then he said I knew you called to get your tire fixed. I said, “That wasn’t me, it was Anna. And I almost killed her for it. She used my full name.” He told me that he just might do it the next time he met up with her. And I told him to call me back in five minutes because my mom calls to check up on me. He said he had to go to the library, and asked how late he could call. I said anytime just say your name is Mikey. That’s when I explained what my parents knew about him: the name he goes by, that I met him at a football game (true) and his name is Mikey (semi true) and that he’s 17, which I left off (the times 3 minus 6 part) didn’t find out how old he really was until then. I just asked him. He’s 45, I said I thought you were 42 or 43, and I added very quickly that that didn’t matter. He said “OK”. I made him promise to call back and make sure he did. Of course he promised to call on Wednesday the 24th of November, and he didn’t. He made me so happy. Still am for that matter. I hope he calls me back.
I also called Anna’s dad, but she wasn’t there yet. I wanted advice on what to say. I don’t wanna mess this up and knowing me I probably will.
06/02/21 — I know some people will say that it was my fault because I “loved” him, but you need to remember this is what Predators do. They make themselves out to be the good guy, and then the victim thinks it’s true love and wonders what they did wrong when the relationship becomes abusive. Even if you think of this has just a normal relationship (forgetting the age difference between 16 and 45), it was an abusive one with emotional, physical, and sexual abuse being involved. During this time, he groomed me for a sexual relationship, that ended up including sexual abuse, sexual assault, attempted rape, Police Sexual Violence, physical abuse, and emotional abuse.
There was a time where I honestly thought he loved me and I loved him — when I first came across AdvocateWeb in 2003, someone suggested reading Why It’s Not an Affair by Rev. Patricia L. Liberty and replacing Clergy with Police Officer and it really helped me with the starting of my healing. It wasn’t until years after I left my hometown that I realized that the entire relationship was sexually exploited by a police officer and once my counselor helped me realize this, then my healing truly began. It took even more years to understand that I wasn’t to blame and it was his fault for doing this. I know as more people read my story there will be people who blame me and that’s not ok, but ok sometimes people just don’t understand what happened until it happens to them or someone they love. The reason for sharing my story is to educate others on what being sexually exploited by a police officer really means and the steps that happen during it. The education I’ve been providing can be used for any relationship involving someone in power over someone – police officer, teacher, pastor, counselor, psychiatrist, doctor, principal, coaches, parents, family, friends, friends of siblings or other family members, etc I’m sure I’m missing someone cause the list goes on way to long. Needless to say, you can’t trust someone just because of the title they hold.
December 6, 1993
He didn’t call back that night, but he called tonight at 4:15 PM. We talked until 5 PM. That’s 45 minutes, the same number as his nickname, which is Mikey-45. (12/29/93 — Same as his age, which is really how he got his nickname.) He’s so wonderful, but he’s married, and in love with me (if that’s what you want to call it). Help.
We talked about everything and anything. Yes, I’ll explain. He told me that he couldn’t call Friday and apologized, so I guess I thought he was supposed to call me back that same night (Thursday) and it was supposed to be Friday. But he called the 6th and I have had a nervous feeling ever since.
The 7th he works the game. He asked if I was coming and I explained what I was doing that night. (12/29/93 – I found out he wasn’t working the game just going to it when I called on 12/07/93). What he doesn’t know is that I’m going to try to call and tell him to meet me at the school when we get out of the meeting.
He asked where the party was and what AFS stood for and I told him and when I told him the Country Club. He said, “Oh you’re going rich on me”. I told him it was a going away party for the foreign exchange student and the “parents” were putting it on and then we changed the subject.
We talked about my mom and how parents can reject children easily and that I have to remember to be myself not what she wants. We talked about how mom and I fight a lot. And how my family drinks (alcoholics), my uncle and the gun incident when I was in 8th grade, which this whole phone call I was happy he called, but I was also fighting back tears. He asked if I was going to start crying on him, and I said no I wasn’t going to.
Then we talked about fuzzy navels and wine coolers, my favorite. I explained to him what a fuzzy navel was and then I told him that my curfew changes to 1:30 AM on my 17th birthday. He asked when my birthday was and I told him he said he would have to help celebrate somehow, he could get the fuzzy navels. I thought, “Yeah, and then what.” (12/20/93 – He also asked what drinking did to me and I told him I think it just makes me happy, because I don’t drink a whole lot.)
I joked around about how he kept saying “OK” “you know” and “know what I’m saying”. He says them all the time and everything he says makes me smile, but those make me even more happy.
He kept giving me advice on how I have to be myself. And we got into a conversation on how my freshman year changed my life. And my suicide thoughts. How I always come up with the answer that there is at least one person out there who cares. Mikey asked me who. And I said, “I don’t know all the time, I just know there’s at least one person.” He said “That’s me. I will always be here for you. I do care and dying is not the answer. See, when you think that way it’s because you can’t get any other answer for it.” I almost started crying, but I held the tears back.
We talked about my feelings and by the time we hung up I was in tears, not because of him, but because of my past. Mikey told me that tears are healthy and maybe I need to do it more often.
We also talked about how I couldn’t sleep at night. That’s what led to talking about my problems. He told me to say to myself, “I have nothing to think about. And get some sleep.” I thought about him and the phone call all night.
I told him about Grandma being in the hospital and Coach and me being in a fight. We talked about Kansas Boy and how his girlfriend accused me of messing around with him and I told him that she was accusing Kansas Boy, too. Mikey said, “yeah it takes two to tango.”
Wedding Anniversary
1. Playboy 2. Pad 3. Whip 4. Cherries, bananas, limes
5. Bedpost 6. Handcuffs 7. Blanket
8. Belt Buckle (but who needs one when I’m around. 9. Pudding
10. Motor 15. My sister (NOT! You better keep your hands off your mine)
20. What a trip 25. Chains 30. Necklace (You know what I mean)
35. Fishy, Fishy, Fishy 45. Teddy 50. Condom 55. Teddy
60. Yum 70. Yum 75. Yum here it comes.
6/4/2021 — I didn’t say whether or not I gave this list to him or not, but wow just wow — no words can explain why I even wrote this list down.
December 7, 1993
Sam, Anna, and I talked about Mikey – 4th hour and made plans on how to catch up with him.
So after the chorus meeting, we went by his house and he wasn’t home, so we looked for an hour and finally went to Megan’s house to pick her up. That’s when I called him. Found out he wasn’t working the game he was just going to be going to the game. I asked if we could meet somewhere and he kept asking where. He suggested a restaurant and Walmart, and I told him too many people. Then I said the city park because he said a park. At 5:30 to 6 and I got so hyper.
So then we went to his house and parked in the apartment parking lot and we waited. Then Caroline and Megan con me into going to call him. We got to the phone and Anna started honking the horn. That’s when we all started running and I almost fell, so we started yelling. He heard. So we finally got into the car and we were really quiet and were so nervous then he turned around and pulled in and we rolled our windows down and talked for about five minutes. He asked about the screaming and we told him. And we decided to make it to the city park and talk there. Before we left he was putting Chapstick on his lips and I asked what he was doing and he told me and I said “I guess that’s OK.” Then I followed him to the city park.
We talked about a girl named Megan, who happened to be there. We also told him it was her. I gave him my planners and he looked through them. I handed him a black pen. He wanted to know why black and I told him that it was the only pen I had. He said “well I have a blue one.” I told him that would be OK. Then he asked if we were going to the game I said “yes if you have money to pay my way.” He gave me five dollars. Of course I put two dollars in my memory box. I told him we had to go to the party first and we made it out on where to meet. Then we left. And the first song to come on was “T.L.C.A.S.A.P.” We went to the party and stayed for 20 minutes. We talked to the exchange student and told her adios “goodbye” and sorry that we couldn’t stay. We talked to Ms. Richards, Jamie, who I asked for pictures and to be informed about the other exchange student’s going away party, talk to Dennis, too. Told him that I wish I could split into and be at two places at once. I had told him that I promised someone I would be at the game. He told me that “that’s what happens when you have a boyfriend” and I laughed and he said “that’s it isn’t it”. And I said “not exactly”.
We finally got to the game and I couldn’t find him, so we went outside and did some calling after four rings I hung up. Went back inside and looked for him and found him and we went upstairs. Caroline was on the other side during this time. Then the other police officer on duty wouldn’t leave, but we didn’t either. We talked, but it was Officer Johnson and Mikey who did the most talking at first. Finally the first game was over and we went outside. I stole his hat and wore it. We talked about some things, mainly police stuff, Megan went home at 7:30 PM. Thank God for small favors. His birthday is June 15, not in December. Oops Carla and I started laughing. Officer Johnson and Mikey didn’t know what we were laughing about and we didn’t fill them in.
Then we went inside and Mikey got some popcorn. I ate some then I told Anna that we’re going to get him to sit by Caroline and then we finished the popcorn and he got a soda he told me that “when I get this done we’ll go and sit upstairs”. I told him I was going to ask him to do that because another friend of mine was up there. Then he said “here you want the rest of this” of course I took it I still have the cup. And a classmate smiled at me.
Mikey and I went upstairs and Anna did, too. At first we were one on each row, but then we finally moved so we were on one row. Mikey kept talking about my mom, how she would feel, react, and what she would do. He also asked if my friends would tell. I said, “No”. I even told him my mom didn’t read the planner. He said, “good because my name is in it.”
We talked a little longer before another guy he knew started talking to him, along with the two things above and Anna and Mikey talking about what Anna’s Mom wanted for a Christmas present. If she wanted the same thing as last year, I took it the wrong way. It wasn’t sex it was perfume. It made me so depressed along with Office Johnson, he was bringing back a lot of bad memories (the feelings) I was so depressed that I had to go downstairs twice and I cried. That hat of Officer Johnson’s didn’t help at all and I don’t know why. When I was upstairs by Mikey, I looked at the roof. I caught him looking at me a couple of times. He could tell I was upset. Finally the game was over and we kind of said goodbye and all. I waited for him to go down some stairs, but we still met on the stairs.
Caroline, Anna, and I drove around a little and came back to the school and Kansa Boy was there. We picked him up and told him what all was happening. He was drunk and I also took Anna to the gas station. I drank some Still White Wine. It was good. I drove crazy around town and got my first kiss from Kansas Boy, who doesn’t remember any of that night. I got home from Mikey’s house in 12 minutes. That’s counting 3 minutes at Caroline’s house so it’s more like 9 minutes. Usually it takes 16 minutes. The kiss was tongue to tongue and I can still remember it, feel it, and see it happening. It was on the opposite side of the high school and right across from Mr. Powell’s room. It was a wonderful moment. (2/23/94 – Mikey gave me my first kiss that met anything to me on 02/17/94) December the month to react on what I’m accused of. I guess I can do a lot, but I’m just joking. What happens happens.
10/23/2003 — That’s another red flag, he always tried to make me make the decisions on what and where. Now that I’m older I’m thinking it’s as if he wanted to make sure I knew I put myself in the situation, so it’s my fault. He would say that it’s because he didn’t want me to feel like I was being forced into something I didn’t want to do. However I still tried to say what I knew he wanted to hear. In a way, I still do this with my husband.
06/04/2021 — This entire night was a red flag, he was worried about my mom finding out about him and my friends telling someone. If someone wants or needs to keep a relationship a secret then something is wrong with that relationship. In my case, it was not only the fact that he was 28 and half years older than me and married, but because I was under age and he was a police officer. The secret of the relationship was to make sure no one found out about the way he was acting towards me. It only benefited him to keep it secret because he knew what he was doing was wrong. It benefited him because if the right person found out what was going on, he could have lost his job, his wife, and possibly even jail time for the things he did before I turned 17 even though it wasn’t violently forceful it was forced because I had told him early on just friends and yet he twisted the friendship to make it hands-on even though he knew it not only made me nervous but scared. He knew what to say when to say it to make me believe it was my fault because of my past that I was nervous and scared of his touch. Also since I was only 16, it would have been considered that I was too young to consent. I still believe that if one is five years or older than the 17 year old and he/she is in a Position of Power or Authority (police officer, teacher, doctor, counselor, etc.) it should be a crime, but that will be a discussion for later on. As during my journal writing I haven’t even reached 17 yet.
December 8, 1993
6:56pm “Soon” was on while I wrote this. My friends and I talked about last night and my feelings for Mikey all day.
4th hour I asked Anna if I ran any stop lights or signs and a classmate overhead. She must have let the bag loose, because my chemistry class asked about it. I didn’t deny it then they asked if that was why I was talking to the cops and I said it was after that. They asked if I knew Mikey (by his real full name) very well. I said “We’re good friends, is that ok with you?” Then they started talking negatively about him and I was getting so mad at them. One said “you are falling for him.” And I said “I don’t think so, (which is the truth, because I know so). He said, “yes you are” and Two kept saying “I can’t stand him.” I said “he’s 28 years older than me, I don’t think so.” Three brought up the guy I flirted with for 5 hours and I told him that “that guy was cute and that Mikey (by his real first name) was far from that. Old maybe, but not cute.” And then I sat down with tears in my eyes. They don’t know how much that hurts. I told Anna that things would change if Mikey didn’t call because he knew I was upset and that would mean he didn’t really care, but if he did call then that would mean he really cares.
And he called at 4:20. We talked until 4:40 about last night and my bad memories. He said, “Oh, I was afraid you were mad at me.” I told him I wasn’t just that it made me upset. Then he said “I want to ask you a question.” “What” I asked. And then he asked the unthinkable, “Why can’t you trust?” I said, “uh, well.” He said, “past experiences”. I said, “Short of” He then asked, “Have you been hurt?” I said, “Kinda see I have memories that would explain why I can’t trust, but I’m doubting that they ever happened.” He told me he understood and that when that happens to him he would deal with them one at a time and if it’s proven that it’s real then deal with them and if it’s not then forget it and that I have to trust and if it ever builds up to something that makes you not trust then stop hanging around that person. I said, “I trust people, it’s just hard and takes awhile.” He told me he understood, but that I really needed to trust. I was about to tell him about 4th grade, but couldn’t get it to come out. Someday soon I’ll admit to him and when I do I’ll have him promise that our relationship won’t change when I do. He told me that I could trust him. What he doesn’t know is the last time someone said that he ended up hurting me. He almost had me crying again, but like I’ve said it’s never him, it’s my past of mine.
He always said those smiling words, ok, you know, and you know what I’m saying. Then he said, “I have to go.” And I asked why he said “because I have some errands to do before 5pm” and I said “Ok.” He said “next time we’ll talk longer and I won’t be able to call tomorrow because I’m going out of town for my teeth.” Before that he asked if Megan was coming to the game Friday and I asked “Why?” He said, “because she seems like a tattle tail. I said, “if you don’t want her to then she won’t.” He told me he didn’t want her too, but he didn’t want her to get mad. I said, “she won’t, I’ll explain something to her”. He said, “Ok.”
I explained my theory on her because she’s so young and doing stuff adults shouldn’t even do. He understood, then asked about the other one and I told him that she wouldn’t tell anyone. We planned where we were setting on Friday— girls side if down and if not boys side. We had plans to go to the game Friday. Can’t wait. Caroline, Anna, and I will be there, but Mikey will learn to be himself around Caroline soon. What a week?
10/23/2003 — WOW. I mean he tells me all this stuff about trust, and yet he hurts me so deep I’m still not over it. He says if there’s a reason to stop trusting someone to stop hanging out with them, but yet he never taught me how to stop hanging out with them when they threaten you and/or your friends, how to get help when they turn violent, or when they start using your fears against you. — he held things against me knowing that I would be too scared to get away or get any help or even tell anyone.
06/04/2021 — It still takes me a long time to trust people and if I put them on my trust list it’s something they should be proud of because I don’t trust many people especially police officers even after all this time I only have maybe a handful of police officers I have put on my trust list and even fewer I put on my friends list. I have gotten to the point where even though I don’t know them well enough to consider them friends or totally trust them, I know that most of the officers I’m around now are good ones and would protect the victim. I also trust the sheriff where I live enough that if I did have any trouble with a deputy or officer at any time, I could go straight to him and tell him what was going on and he would do something about it. It is hard to trust after you’ve gone through all I’ve gone through and the police officers kept getting by with it, but through the years I have learned that I can’t blame all police officers for the bad ones in my life. I’ve also learned that if I’m in a bad situation it is safe to call 911 even though I don’t know what police officer will show up. Healing is one moment at a time — one minute I feel like I have healed completely and the next minute I can feel like it’s all happening all over again. Like I’m right there going through it over and over again.
December 9, 1993
I love Mikey, he means the world to me. I mean the world to him, too. Because love works both ways. I wrote that after my third hour meeting, which I’ll explain in a little while. I don’t have the time right now. And I’ll rewrite the five page letter I wrote him.
Dear Mikey,
My mom and I yelled for two hours last night because all my friends were calling. I had five phone calls, six counting you, but she doesn’t know that. But the one that got me in trouble was with Anna. We started talking about you in he form and about Tuesday and about Tuesday Night (about everything, especially the way I was driving) But mom heard and told me that if I didn’t have a last name by Thursday night I can’t go out Friday. So I acted like Anna had a diary, she wrote everything in and we figured out a last name.
First of all, I told her that you didn’t live around here and that it was long distance for me to call you. That’s why I never called. You also have a strict mom and two sisters. Your birthday is December 15. She believes me then Anna and I made up a name for you. We told mom that Mikey was a nickname you got playing football when you were in high school. You graduated last year and you’re 17.
She believes me and it got her off my back. But you are right don’t call past 5:15 PM because even if I answered we wouldn’t be able to talk much about anything, because she listens to me when I talk on the phone, but she only gets one side (we have one phone, but it reaches to my room, so usually that’s where I go to talk and sometimes I even whisper – hard to believe).
When I told her the name, she looked it up in the phonebook and I told her it was an unlisted phone number and she goes “I know, but my supervisor isn’t”. Then when I got madder and told her if she even thought about asking her for information she wouldn’t have a daughter to talk to and she laughed and said “I’m joking”. Well, she might’ve been, but when we’re in the middle of a fight I don’t take anything she says as a joke.
I told her that my brother has lots of friends that she doesn’t know the last name of. She said “right and he’s 18 and you are 16”. I told her even when he was 16 he had friends she didn’t know. Then she yelled, “well you’re not him, if you were more like him our family wouldn’t be in fights all the time.” I wish she would get this in her brain and truly believe it. I’m not my brother, never have never will be. That’s when I got madder and yelled, “You and him fight a hell of a lot more than you and me now and if you want me to be more like my brother then next Friday night you’ll be seeing me in jail because I’m going to get drunk and do something stupid”. She told me that as long as when I’m around the house I act more like him I’d be fine. so I said, “OK I won’t do the dishes or clean the house, which wouldn’t ever get done if I didn’t do it”. Of course that’s when she denied that I do almost everything in the house. I average three hours of homework plus cleaning the house. I haven’t watched TV for over a week.
Then my spelling grades got brought up. Spelling is my worst enemy and she knows that. I told her I was doing my best and she told me I wasn’t because she could look at my current other grades and know the difference. I told her that everybody has flaws in some thing and spelling just happens to be mine. Then she asked me how I was going to make it through college and all I said was because I want to and therefore I will do whatever it takes to do it, and it’s not because you want me to. I’ve wanted to go to college since I was four and I will do it. I’ll be the first on my dad’s side, but I’m going to do it even if it’s just to get out from under her roof, that’s not my only reason. I have to go to college to be able to be a teacher or a counselor and I will do it. Then she told me that there would be no way I would become a publisher writer, because I can’t spell. I told her if she would ever read any of my stuff maybe she would realize that I am capable of it, at least that’s what my friends say. And she just said you won’t let me. That’s when I told her that I’ve wanted her to read “Living A Nightmare” for over a year now and she won’t do it. She said that’s because you’ll never get the ending done. I told her I would and she would be the last person I dedicated it to. Then I went back to my homework and told her to shut up and leave me alone. She went back to watching TV.
I started that book on March 30, 1992 and I’m on chapter 20 page 267. There is 142 written pages typed with chapter 17, 18, 19 and part of 20 to type. I’ll get it published just to prove her wrong if it’s the last thing I do.
I’m in American History. Most of the time when we have videos, I’m either writing to someone or sleeping, but I slept a little better last night, but Tuesday night I slept all night. You know why. Last night the only time I wasn’t sleeping was when I woke up from a nightmare, which was from what I got so upset on Tuesday. Of course I’m used to them, but they still get me upset, but so do a lot of things.
No I can’t tell you what it is not yet OK. It’s not you. I just have a real hard time talking about it. Heck, I even have to hold back tears when I’m writing this down. I’m still not for sure if it really happened or if I’m remembering everything that happened and it does explain why I don’t trust police officers or any males for that matter. If you want to know you are the only police officer I trust and even that took a little while to conquer. But the advice you have been giving me lately has helped. Thanks.
I have to say one thing “sorry this letter is so long and I’ll ask you if you want to read it or not, if you don’t then I’ll throw it away and if you do I’ll give it to you. It’s almost 5 pages long”.
If you do decide to read it, either make darn sure nobody else reads it or throw it away after you read it. You know I’m a little nervous on letting you read this because the last time I wrote a letter to a friend of mine he stopped talking to me (Coach) that’s who I’m talking about, but as long as you promise I’ll let you read it. It’s long so I’ll let you go.
You know who.
06/05/2021 — I was able to talk to him about a lot of things and the more he called the more I opened up on the things that bothered me throughout my life. He would often tell me I needed to let go of the past and stop blaming him and others for it as he was not the one that hurt me, and yet after I let my guard down and thought he was correct that I should be able to trust him and I’m not because I blamed him for what happened in 4th grade — then he turned out to be the very type of police officer I was afraid of — instead of being the type to protect the victim he was the type to cause the person to be the victim. So many people warned me about him during this time, but I thought something was wrong with me. I’m glad I finally figured it out that nothing was wrong with me. I was just a 16 year old trying to find someone to love me, which is a common thing for most 16 year olds to be doing. Mikey was the one that was old enough to know he shouldn’t have encouraged any of this relationship, especially the touching part of it. Mikey was the one that took advantage of a teenager, who didn’t feel loved, wanted, or cared about. — even though through the years I found out how wrong I was it’s how I felt at the time. He knew I was suicidal and that I was afraid to go to adults about anything going on in my life, especially when it involves a police officer — I trusted him with this information and then he ended up using it against me. It was Mikey’s fault, blame, shame, and secret to carry — not mine!! Realizing this has helped me to find my voice to share my story, and I won’t stop sharing the secret that was not mine to carry for all these years!
Third hour we had a group session and a lot of the time we talked about Mikey. How old he was, how he was a secret to my family, how he cheats on his friends and how Caroline thinks he’s using me. I don’t really know what to think. The counselor, Larry, wanted to know what he did for a living and all that stuff and when I told him I didn’t want him to get in trouble he asked if we’ve done anything and I said no. He asked if things will change when I get of age. And I told him I didn’t know, but that it would still be a secret of who he is. I’m almost sure he knows he’s married, but I really don’t care. I do care about him and not getting him in trouble. Larry knows Mikey wants to go to my house over Christmas break and help celebrate my birthday and how Caroline feels. Life goes on and it might be with him.
That night Anna and I went to the nursing home and Mikey’s wife was working. She didn’t know that I was JayCee, but she got on to Anna and said she wished she could yell at this JayCee friend of Anna’s because you two almost caused a divorce. I wanted to say “I didn’t even call you. That was all Anna, not me”. She told us that after the girl called about the flat she got a detective on the case and they found out that there was a 34 year old with that name and married with a kid that lives in town. Her husband had told her that Anna had a friend that was 18 named JayCee and that’s the only person he could think of. Then she told us that she almost went over to the 34-year-old‘s house and that would have been dangerous because she would have been innocent. Then she told us that if we ever needed help again to make sure we tell her who we are and all that stuff, because we caused a lot of trouble. She said that her husband said I was 18. I’m not even 17 yet, but life goes on.
He is supposed to go to the game tonight. I can’t wait because she really got me mad and she was very mad at us. And I will tell Mikey that if they get a divorce it won’t be my fault. It will just cause everything to be better. I love him and she doesn’t. I know that doesn’t make it any better, but he does deserve better. The funny thing is we are so close and she doesn’t even think he’s involved with me. If she only knew who she was talking to.
The way I see it is if she wants to look for someone to blame she better look at herself, because I’m not the one. He deserves someone who will love him till death do us part, through sickness and in health through bad times and good. That’s not her. From what I understand he hasn’t even had sex with her for a while. I’m sick of always getting blamed for divorce. I’m easy to blame everything on, but I am not to blame on this one. Like Mikey said a while back while we talked about mom and I fighting all the time. I said sometimes I feel like it’s my fault because I always do something to cause one and I try my hardest not to. Mikey cut me off and said “you aren’t the one to blame it’s someone that wants to fight and since you are trying not to, it’s not you.” I said “I know but sometimes it is my fault.” And he said “maybe sometimes, but not always and probably not even most of the time.”
I don’t blame myself on her and her husband getting a divorce because for one thing I’m not the first and I probably won’t be the last. Before they get a divorce, I’ll have a broken heart. I hope not, but it will probably happen.
Another reason I don’t blame myself is because trust has to be in a marriage and it shows that isn’t in theirs, because she had a detective out that’s proof and she admitted that she thinks he was having an affair with this older chick, to me and Anna. And there has to be love which from what I can tell it’s not there. I miss Mikey so much I can’t wait until Friday.
So I don’t believe I’m the one to blame. Why don’t you look at yourself and realize that you caused the damage a long time ago.
Mikey was out of town, so he wouldn’t be able to call or come to the game, sad of course, but we talked about him at the game and Ms. Mattson asked who he was besides the nickname Mikey and that I should be proud of him and say his name. I started wondering about what she had said and she was right, but I can’t let the bag out and you know why. I told her as she left what it was (the name I gave my mom that is) and of course she didn’t know him. I don’t want him to get in trouble, but I want to see him and talk to him more often.
10/23/2003 — I don’t believe this anymore. I still don’t think I’m to blame for the divorce that happened after I was already married to Michael, but I don’t think She is either. In fact I believe she deserves a lot better than Mikey and she should have left the SOB a long time ago. According to Anna, she’s remarried and is having a happy life now. I can’t remember when Anna told me this, but it’s been a while. I’m very happy for her. I just hope Mikey doesn’t affect her life as much as he still affects mine. Another thing about all this is if he was only there to help me and be there for me, then why did he make sure I kept our relationship so secretive?
When I saw you last (Written: December 9, 1993)
When I saw you last you barely acted like you knew me, but then you called and made me see the love we really share.
When I saw you last my friends all laughed, stared, and wondered how I could love someone like you but then you called and made me realize that it’s not my friends heart you’re loving.
When I saw you last I only knew you for two months and six days. I wonder how I could have this strong of a feeling for you but then you called and made me realize that when it comes to you, love comes in a very short time.
When I saw you last you were worried about my mom and I got upset about that, too but then you called and made me realize that you have every right to be worried.
When I saw you last you along with all the other guys made me cry but then you called and made me realize that it wasn’t you that got me upset it was my past and I have to learn to live with it.
When I saw you last I got so upset I took it out on everybody, except the person who deserves it, but since I don’t know who that is, I couldn’t really do that. But then you called and made me realize that when I don’t know who to blame, I can’t blame everyone else.
When I saw you last I got so upset, I did crazy things to get over it but then you called and made me realize that that only works for a very short time.
When I saw you last I sped across town, run stop signs, and stop lights and was happy you police officers weren’t doing your job, but then you called and made me realize that all I did was put my friends and me in danger for no reason and that I should have talk to someone about the problem not drink it away.
But when I saw you last I’m glad I realized that you did care all because you called the very next day.
Dedicated Mikey.
06/05/2021 — I also learned from others that Mikey beat and threatened his wife throughout their marriage. She was afraid to go to anyone for help because of the gun he always wore and his co-workers — sounded so much like what I went through. Anna had a chance to talk to her once before she passed away — I wish I could have been there too. Anyway Anna stated that she didn’t blame me when I said I hope she didn’t blame me for what happened back then. Anna said in fact she hoped that I didn’t blame her due to her not being able to stop him from hurting me. She told Anna that she was never able to stop him from hurting those around her. (I wonder how many victims she knew about, but was too afraid to do anything about it.) I don’t blame her. She didn’t know how young I was and didn’t know everything that was happening like some of the adults in my life who knew and did nothing, I have never blamed her for what he did. Anna said that She cried the day Anna told her that I was only 16 when it all started and was able to leave for college at 18. She told Anna to apologize for her, and Anna told her she wasn’t the one that needed to apologize and that it wasn’t her fault. She asked Anna if I had been able to go on with life and Anna told her that I had been able to get married and have a family of my own, but still had nightmares and flashbacks of what he did to me. I’m glad Anna was able to have this conversation. I just wish I could have been there too. I think it would have helped both her and myself, but needless to say, I will never get to have this conversation because once again God took the good one and left the bad one to fuck with people’s heads (this will make more since when you get to my journal in December 1994, when I lost a great friend to two teenagers shooting him and another police officer.)
December 10, 1993
I took $2 out of my money memory box today, because I needed the money to get into the game. I took a dollar out from each time he gave me money.
Well Ms. Jackson knows everything about Mikey, except his full name, so she was subbing for Ms. Childs today and she asked me about him. I explained what all was going on and she kept saying that I have to be careful and that he has a stronger heart than me, so the one that will get hurt will be me. She also told me to be careful and not get pregnant. I let her read all three of my poems and she told me they were good we talked about his wife and she said even if they did get a divorce don’t look forward for him staying in there if he could leave is responsibilities now then if he did get me pregnant then 9 chances out at 10 he would leave that one faster than he got into it. I don’t plan on letting him do anything that would get me pregnant. She gave me so much advice, and it wasn’t mean like “he’s just using you.” It was just be careful, I don’t want you to get hurt kind of stuff. She really helps me a lot. I’m glad I have her as a friend. She gives a lot of good advice that I really need right now. I’m in too deep I don’t know how to get out. I love Mikey with all my heart.
I waited the whole game for him to show up. Anna and I left at the end of the first game and he wasn’t home then we left at halftime of the second and he was, that was at about 8 PM, so I called him and he seemed so angry. I hope he wasn’t mad at me. He also said he was busy and got home late. So, we hung up in less than five minutes, but that’s an average.
I was upset, because I thought he was mad at me or mad and took it out on me. But all I did was turn my radio as loud as it could go. I’m so confused, but I love him just the same.
December 13, 1993
He called tonight. We only talked for five minutes before I told him that I had to make a phone call and that it would only take five minutes and he said OK. Then the five minutes was up and he called back at 4 PM and we talked about a few things like first his wife wasn’t working but she was out shopping with his car. She doesn’t work Tuesday or Wednesday either. She works Thursday and Friday. We talked about how my mom calls to check on me and my Grandma being in the hospital getting worse. I told him I was tired and he said, “yeah but you still sound good.” We talked about how my dad reacted on Saturday when he found out I had a boyfriend and the prom. How he promised not to react the way he did with Kansas Boy. How he protects me and mom over protects me, but yet doesn’t want me to talk to them about what bothers me. I said that my dad thinks I’m smart enough to control my own life. Mikey said “he’s right you are smart enough but you also need some encouragement, he should know.” We also talked about the planners on which ones Anna helped with. I read the one with a head and he said “I could understand that,” then he asked if she helped with the one on conceive and I said she told me to underline it. He said “well you don’t have to worry about that because I took care of that a long time ago.” Then we talked about how I thought about that in chorus. He said “yes I’ve had a vasectomy.” (He’s fixed) He also told me he hadn’t filled mine out because he had to think on what to say because I’m a high school student and he doesn’t want to get in trouble. I told him I won’t let that happen and nobody will read it. He said “but parents.” I told him I would be 17 soon and then they can’t do anything about it because at that age I could legally move out. He said, “You can.” I said “that’s what someone told me.” Then that subject was dropped.
We also talked about why he couldn’t make it to the game, that his wife was home and that she got her schedule changed. He apologized for sounding rude, but he had to get off the phone as soon as he could, because of his wife. I told him he didn’t sound rude, he just had a different voice and it sounded like he was mad at me or something. He said “No, I’m not mad at you and I didn’t mean to be mean.” I said I understood him and he said he was glad for that.
I said, so when she gets back you’ll have to hang up. He said “Right, I’m so glad you understand.” Towards the end he said well I have to run some errands I said OK. Then he said “bye sweetie” and I smiled and said by then. He said “you know how guys say the word peps.” I said “yes” he said “I think you have a lot of pep attitude on the inside with the feelings of a nerd on the outside, which is good.” I smiled and both of us said goodbye. I almost said I love you but what came out of my mouth was I got to go. I love you doesn’t that sound strange.
December 14, 1993
Miss Jackson was subbing for Coach Hakens, so after class I talked to her about Mikey. Told her that he called last night and that he called me sweetie. Then she said I was getting into deep. I told her that he apologized for the way he talked to me on the phone, because his wife was home. She told me to make sure I was careful. And I told her about him telling me he was fixed, but that I was still going to be careful because he could be just saying that. She said “You’re right he could be.” And then added, “be careful, I don’t want you to get hurt.”
Then I went to class and during lunch Caroline and I went to Coach Hakens‘s class Mr. Higgins was there and Caroline said let them talk. I said no he has a class to go to and then looked to him and said stop flirting she’s engaged and Caroline said “yeah she has a boyfriend.” Ms. Jackson said, “Yeah, she wants to talk about her boyfriend.” Mr. Higgins looked at me and I said “not with you in here of course.” Caroline said bye U-turn and he smiled. I explained why we called him that and she smiled. We talked about what happened Tuesday and then Mr. Higgins came in and Caroline asked how long he was there and he said I never left. I said that’s OK we didn’t talk about Mikey anyway. And he said “Mikey” I said and it’s not my brother. He smiled. So did I. Then I said your class and he went back and I closed the door and went back to Ms. Jackson’s class. And we laughed about it. We talked about Mikey and our phone call last night “Sweetie” and all. Then Caroline told her his full name and I gave her a weird look and she said you can trust her. I said I know. Ms. Jackson said it’s not like I couldn’t find out if I wanted to. And then I said I know I just don’t want him to get in trouble. Ms. Jackson told me she wouldn’t do anything to get him in trouble then I had to go to class.
Ms. Willow asked about him and I told her he was from Morgan County. She said out of the towner and I said sometimes it’s safer. She said yeah they don’t mess up your schoolwork. I told her about how he made me think about him all day instead of all the negative stuff happening to see if I could be happy and have a smile at least most of the day. And it worked, up until now when we (my family) are realizing that my Grandma may not make it. Please God let her live through this.
After school Aubree, Caroline, and I followed Coach out of town and we went by Mikey’s workplace and we waited which turned out negative he didn’t come so then we went by his house and turned in the apartment houses and up the dead end road and we were stopped by his house and he was walking towards us. He smiled and my car kept dying. Aubree said I assume that’s him and I said yes then we went up and around the block and we talked across the road with signals. I think he got the wrong one and I’ll find out later. He said no and we smiled at each other then we kept going by his house until he wasn’t outside anymore. He made me happy. It was Aubree that made me sad, she’s telling me that I should have sex with him. I hope she’s joking, but it still got me confused.
I’m trying to sort through my feelings for Mikey, but it’s so hard with Grandma like she is. I mean how can I love someone as much as I do Mikey when my Grandma who I loved for almost 17 years is dying. How can I know what love is when my life could end at any time. You never know, I guess that’s why you have to use all your love up as it comes, because you never know. You just don’t know.
Love yes it’s a word that you can say I love you all the time and you can say I love (name – in my case Mikey), but you got to show love it’s also the action word, if you don’t show it and just say it, then the truth is you really don’t love that person. Well with Mikey we haven’t used the word to each other, but what I have for him is love, but I can’t tell him that, not yet anyway. He asked if he could read some of the “tablet” when I told him that I wrote my feelings down. He asked if it was about us and I said “my feelings about you, but in Mikey form.” He said “that’s good, can I read some of these feelings?” I hesitated and changed the subject, because up to that point a lot of the feelings were confusion, but even though I’m in love I still have a lot (and I mean a lot) of CONFUSION! Maybe he’ll be able to help me out on my past sometimes, but I’m afraid I’ll scare him off if I tell him all of it.
Gotto go talk to my Grandma. She’s not doing too well, but we all pray. And Mikey keeps me smiling thank God for small favors. If it wasn’t for Mikey, I would be in tears all the time. I can barely sleep at night thanks to Mikey I get some. He always has good advice. Thank you my love, my one and only. Can you believe I wrote that!
10/28/2003 — I wonder how different my life would have been if all the adults who knew did something about it. I sometimes wonder who and what I’m more angry at. I mean here at least four adults Caroline’s Mom, my Aunt, my Uncle, and now Ms. Jackson, who definitely should’ve told someone) and none of them did. They kept a secret for a 16-year-old. A secret that hurt really bad. All these people and nobody truly helped me in any way.
06/05/2021 — How did they figure that it was OK to keep this to themselves as family why wouldn’t you go talk to the teenager’s parents or tell the teenager that you would go with them to talk to the parents or a counselor or especially those that knew he was a police officer he was 45 years old with a 16-year-old. At 16 you think you know everything (17 might even be worse than 16) parents don’t know anything and yet there were so many signs in the first couple of months where I went to people too afraid to say the word “help” but yet begging for it. I was begging for somebody to help with the confusion going on in my head (why do you make me feel so good and yet so confused) and he always knew what to say and when to say it and I’m thinking here I can’t even think of the right words and yet he knew exactly what I needed to hear and when to hear it he knew how to get me to talk to him and how to make me feel I owed more to him then him just listening. As I said before I told him early on all I wanted was friendship and he was the one that kept encouraging it to be more. I just don’t understand why adults would think that this was OK to keep a secret. I would’ve probably been mad if they had told someone but I would’ve been saved from so much pain. There’s just some things that adults shouldn’t keep secret – even if they encourage that child or teenager, that little person that doesn’t know everything a 45-year-old knows — encourage that person to go to somebody that could help with sorting out the thoughts. They need to follow up on if the teenager went to the person (or if it’s a child, they need to go themselves) or go with the teenager to help them talk about it. And yes it is the adults responsibility to turn it in to say that something is not right, take a look at your employer especially if it’s a police officer or a doctor or another teacher. Somebody needs to be the voice for these children (teenagers) — be the voice – don’t just listen which is good, they need somebody to listen to them – but do something – help them. Because trust me if a teenager comes to an adult about a relationship that was supposed to stay as secret as possible they are crying for help without knowing how to say, “I’m happy he makes me happy, but it’s wrong and he scares me at the same time.” How does a teenager even try to understand the mixed feelings going through her mind? IT WASN’T YOUR SECRET TO KEEP!
December 15, 1993
Questions I want to ask Mikey if he calls tonight or the next time he does. First of all, invite him to the concert (music) on December 20. When he leaves for work and if he takes the car and which way he goes out. (Country Road or highway) That’s all that I can think of. As I do, I’ll write them down.
I guess I’ve been wondering a lot lately, you know his wife and all. I’m just so confused. And I’m afraid to talk to him about it. I don’t want to lose him. He means so much to me in the little time we’ve known each other, and yet I can’t even see him as much as I would like.
I’ve also been wondering about what Caroline had said on December 7, 1993. She said that he was using me. And asked if he ever touched me or put his arms around me or kissed me when I said no she said I told you. The way I see it is that he cares about me and he knows the way I am around guys and that is why he hasn’t done those things. I believe all I have to do is say the word and he would be all over me.
Then last night when Aubree told me that I would get rid of his wife if she ever got in the way because I was that kind of person. I got depressed and she also told me that I should have sex with him because once we’re married it’s too late to find out if we have a good sex life. And I told her my belief we almost got into a fight because of it. I’m just not for sure what to do anymore. I hope she was joking, but what was said was said and also got me confused. I love him, that doesn’t mean I have to have sex with him. Does it?
I hope he calls tonight. I miss him so much, just seeing him in his yard last night made me happy, but then I had to go to the hospital. I hope he calls because he can always make me smile and help me. He always knows the right thing to say, too bad he wasn’t here right now. I need to see his lovely smile. I need to hear his lovely voice. I also need to see him period, but I can settle for a phone call.
Last night My mom’s friend and my parents were joking around about young love and the mushy stuff we probably talk about and they didn’t believe me when I said we never kissed of course they don’t know we don’t talk mushy stuff either. I still have a hard time believing that after all these years of being terrified of police officers I actually fell in love with one. And trust him with my life. Weird. I just don’t understand it. I still wonder if our relationship will change, and if it does will it be for the better or to the worst. I know if it goes to the worst that that’s God‘s way of helping me get out of this relationship. If it goes to the better, I really don’t know what to think, that goes for it to stay the same, too.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I knew. Mikey wants to read this notebook (the “tablet”), but I don’t think he realizes that it’s over 80 pages long. And of everything we’ve done, my feelings, and how other people react. And almost everything that has happened in my life as a result of him. I love him with all my heart, but my feelings are secret as of this moment. Maybe just maybe we will talk over the phone about them, but I won’t let him read the “tablet” not yet anyway. I have to wait it out. I love him too much to lose him and that’s what I’m afraid of.
Guess who called at 4:20 PM tonight. Yes it was Mikey. We talked about my Grandma, how his wife said that we almost caused a divorce and the five page letter. How I was nervous that someone would get it. He said Anna I said no on your side. He said oh, well how about this I’ll read it and take it to heart then throw it away. I said “OK” We made plans to meet at the city park at 4 PM and when I told him that Anna would be with us. He said “I wish there would be a time that I could talk to just you, because when your friends are with you they do most of the talking, like at the game.” That’s when I said “your friends talked to you that Night, too.” And he said, “yeah I guess we have to expect that when we are in a crowd.” And he wants to meet sometime when we are alone. So I brought up Friday and said that we could meet for a little while, but I had to go to the bank. He said “it depends because I’m not for sure if she works or not.” So I said “OK we’ll plan it later.” And I told him about the 20th of December and he told me that he wouldn’t promise but would try. And I said I know it depends on if she works or not. When he found out that Anna was going to be there tomorrow he said “mouth” what he doesn’t know is Anna’s staying in my car and I’m going to his or something like that.
We talked about who was in the car last night and what I was trying to tell him. I told him that Caroline and I wouldn’t tell Aubree who he was and he thanked me and said “I appreciate that” and also said that she was home. I wondered where the car was. He also asked why I was on the dead-end road and I told him I took a friend home. He asked who I said, “just a friend” then he asked who he was? And I said he was a she.
When we talked about divorces I said I must be easy to blame, because my parents did and now your wife. Mikey told me that it’s not true and that it was all in the heat of anger and for me never to blame myself for it. I wonder if he’s talking about his wife or my parents. Mikey said that he knew because his wife asked if he knew her and he said no.
We talked about Christmas break. He said “So how are we going to keep in touch because I’m going out of town.” I asked where and he told me which town he was going to and I said well I can’t drive that far. He said “Oh I know that what I meant was are you going to be home. I told him I was and changed it to plan because of my Grandma. I’m not for sure. He asked “alone” and I said, mostly. He said, so I can call you anytime and I said yes, that my brother might be home some, but he doesn’t care. Then Mikey asked how my brother took Tuesday night and I said he didn’t say much until he found out about me drinking. Then I told him about my chemistry class telling me that I was stupid for talking to Two police officers and Mikey said you weren’t drunk that night, and I said, no that’s what I told the class, because I didn’t get drunk until after I left you guys that night. But then I also told him that my brother told me not to suck up with police officers because people think you get by with anything, so be careful. Then Mikey told me that what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. I said you got that right. Then he said, we’ll plan that out later, too.
Then he said that everybody dies, but they live about Grandma. And that I need to take one moment at a time. That it’s going to be hard, but it’s a fact of life we all have to go through. He told me that it’s going to be rough, but I have to go on. I told him about her giving up and how good she was a week ago. He said it’s hard, but the older you get the harder it is to fight. And he said “Oh” when I told him that she had a brain tumor 17 years ago.
Then he told me that he had to go and reminded me of our meeting plans. He said, “4 o’clock at the city park with my five page letter.” And I said “You bet and don’t forget.”
When we were talking about the five page letter he asked if I was going to give it to him and if I still had it or if I threw it away. I told him I had it. I just had to find out where I put it. He’s darn and determined to get that letter. Maybe soon I’ll be able to write my feelings, but like I said I’m afraid I’ll lose him. And I can’t live with that and Grandma. He also said that he works almost every court date and then he’s going to start working all home boys varsity and junior varsity games. We now know which games I’ll be going to. I’m going to add some to my five page letter and I’ll write it in here. 5:14 and our other song is on “I need some TLCASAP” I love that song. It was the first one to come on when I left the city park Tuesday the 7th. Anyway I’m going to finish that letter. Page 6 that is.
The sixth page starts now.
Well, I’m going to add to this. I wanted to tell you that I like being with you and talking on the phone now, and you told me that you wanted to read the “tablet” which has my feelings. If you don’t mind, maybe we can just discuss them sometime when I feel more relaxed about them. I guess what I’m saying is I don’t want you to read the “tablet.” It’s my secret feelings that only I read. I mean I don’t even let my best friend read it of course it’s a little different with you because it’s all about you. All 88 pages of it (that’s just so far) and don’t worry I don’t let it leave my side. And my parents don’t read my diary and that’s what this is like. Except it’s in a notebook (paper) the cover has yellow, red, and green on the front. Understand.
I’m afraid that if I let you know my true feelings I’ll lose your friendship and all. I mean I don’t want it to all stop because I admitted my feelings. Maybe someday soon I’ll be able to tell you. I hope this doesn’t make you mad.
I need some TLCASAP was the song that was on when I wrote this last page. It was also the first song that came on after we left the city park.
End of letter.
I can’t believe he called. I had this weird feeling he wouldn’t but he went to O’Reilly’s to call me. I love him so much I hope I don’t lose him.
I thought of something Caroline’s brother told me on the bus he thought he saw him, and he explained the fight that happened at court and said he was working court.
When Mikey called he started explaining the fight he broke up Monday at court. I told him everything that Caroline’s brother told me and he asked what all I’ve told him and I told Mikey that he knew him from when he got locked out of his car. Mikey is in a lot of pain right now from the fight and had back up.
I never told Caroline’s brother that Mikey worked court so I believed him right off the bat. But I still wanted him to tell me about the night. I finally got my scanner after five days and found out a few of the police badge numbers and I’ll find out more later. I’m so nervous but I’m also in love, does that make sense? It does to me, because I love someone that has a wife and who knows when he’ll stop. How far he’ll want to go. And then there’s Aubree, who won’t stop giving me the advice of having sex with him and doesn’t understand why I won’t and haven’t. You would think after being friends for this long she would know.
A paragraph out of Wuthering Heights it’s on page 82. “I love the ground under his feet, and the air over his head, and everything he touches, and every word he says. I love all his looks, and all his actions and him entirely and together.”
Anna right now it’s fine, but if we get closer and he leaves his wife then it would be OK. And if we got married we would never have children. I will not back off of my beliefs until we get to know each other a lot better (that’s any guy.)
10/28/2003 — Boy I wonder if this was a red flag, along with how he wanted to meet with me alone. So many red flags not counting all the people who told me he was just using me. I can’t believe how much I had forgotten about this relationship. Who I told, and how it really started. It really scares me to think that if I hadn’t written it all down and started typing it up or burned it like he wanted me to do at one point, it would have been lost forever. I wonder how many of my memories have been forgotten.
06/06/2021 — I still wonder how different my life would be if the adults in my life that knew what all was happening when I was 16 took action. I know I can’t do the what if’s and should haves, but what I can do is educate others so they know what to watch for and what they could do if they ever see this happening to someone. What you don’t know can hurt you and others! Trust me I’ve lived with this for 28 years and some days it’s like yesterday. I still have trouble trusting people because of the pain from my childhood and teenage years, all because people in my life didn’t understand or know what to do. Most of the people who knew at this time were other teenagers and I totally understand why they didn’t know to go get help with the situation. And I do believe that Caroline in her own way was trying to get me help when she would tell Ms. Jackson things or later on when she told Heather. We were all kids still; however, the adults should have known. Do I blame them? Sometimes, but again we can’t go back, we can only go forward. I hope that this website not only helps adults understand the signs and what to do when a child/teenager is going through abuse, but other children and teenagers can learn from it so they know what to do if themselves or their friends are going through it. Remembering that you are not alone and that sometimes you have to keep telling people you trust until someone gets you the help you deserve might be one of the first steps to getting help. Asking for help is very hard but remember you could even turn it in secretly through the following websites — childhelphotline.org or call/text 1-800-422-4453 — so it doesn’t come back on you that you reported it.
An abuser’s best friend is silence: the silent fear of the victim and the silence of those who could report. If you are being hurt, know someone who might be hurting, or are afraid you might hurt another, call, text or live chat the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline. Your voice on the phone, your voice in text, or your online voice chatting with one of our professional crisis counselors will be a first step in breaking the silence and getting help. If you see any signs of abuse in someone you know, or if you yourself are involved in an abusive relationship, get help right away. Our Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is a 24-hour hotline with resources to aid in every child abuse situation. Call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) for help. All calls are confidential. childhelphotline.org
Stop Police Sexual Violence 